Gilgamesh tries his Hand at
by darkeldar
Summary: The King of Heroes is bored, and all the world is his for enjoyment, as long as fakers and mongrels don't ruin his fun. A Carnival Phantasm-esque story from the perspective of Gilgamesh as he enjoys everyday life.
1. Baseball

Gilgamesh Tries his Hand at Baseball

* * *

As far as I was concerned, it had been a perfect day. There was not a cloud in the sky, and the sea breeze was nice and cool. I had crossed the bridge into that little slum called Miyamachou at noon. Even a King needs his exercise, but it is best to get away from the crowds. Kotomine had slinked off at some point. Knowing him, he had probably gone to that Chinese restaurant of his, and was now devouring bowl after bowl of that dreaded mapo tofu. How does he eat that stuff, much less enjoy it? It was as though that Chinese chef had harnessed the flames of Ishtar's wrath itself! I own Noble Phantasms less deadly; in fact, I probably have the origin of that particular platter somewhere in my treasury. I grinned, thinking of that. Perhaps I'll rummage through some time and find that particular Phantasm; nothing would make me happier than seeing that Faker's face when he gets hit by a bowl of magic tofu. Well, maybe a few things, but not many.

It was about two in the afternoon when I passed the riverside park. At this point, I was looking over my shoulder every minute. I was in enemy territory. Not that I was in danger, there is no one in heaven or earth that could harm me, but being spotted by my queen would be embarrassing considering my state of dress. Seriously Kotomine? A Hawaiian shirt? Ever since that Tohsaka girl left for London, I must have become his new chew toy. I'd protest openly, but I don't want to be kicked out. I've said before how I hate giving stuff away, and paying for an apartment would be troublesome to say the least. You would think that as a king I'd be recognized, but I was nearly stabbed the last time I tried to claim something without paying. That damn Dog is protective of his flowers.

These thoughts dominated my mind as I walked the artificial riverbank. The sounds of the ocean were becoming more and more apparent, and the troublesome thoughts were beginning to melt away. Out here, no one could bother me. I closed my eyes and listened to the bird calls. I had taken ten steps with my eyes shut (and only tripped once, I hope no one saw that) when a small bundle hit my leg and stuck to it fast. I opened an eye lazily. There, wrapped around my left leg, was a boy no older than twelve. He was wearing some sort of white uniform with vertical stripes, with an odd, billed hat.

"What is this?" I asked, more amused than angry. My charisma is magnetic, you could say (I laughed inwardly at that, I crack me up). The boy looked up at me with eyes on the verge of tears. It was then that I noticed the two others standing behind him.

"Hey mister," said the one trying to wrestle my leg into submission, "you look strong. You're strong right?"

I chuckled. "Of course boy, you look upon a King!" I raised my arm with a flourish, and subtly tried to kick the boy off. He was covered in dirt, that disgusting, and these are new shorts.

"Then do you think you could help us win?" said one of the other boys. He was wielding some sort of club made out of wood. Ah, that was it! These boys were in a battle.

"Where is the battlefield? And who is the enemy?" I was getting riled up. Kotomine keeps me from fighting a lot nowadays, citing "excessive damage to the city and church property", lazy bastard.

"Down there," said the boy with the club. He pointed at a field of grass and clay on the opposite side of the bank. Lines of chalk marked out a diamond on the clay portion of the field, and more children with the same uniform stood at the ready, each carrying some sort of glove on their hand. I spotted the enemy then as well. Hiding in bunkers at the edge of the diamond, the purple interlopers had armed themselves with clubs identical to the one carried by the boy near me. The white uniformed soldiers were outnumbered, and had the disadvantage when it came to weapons. Finally I managed to shake the boy off.

"I'll help you mongrel. Does this battle have parameters?"

The boy quickly described the rules of war, which he called "base ball", an odd name. This was highly ritualized, much more so than the battle for the Grail. One army was "at bat", while the other was "at field". Each army had specialized soldiers, but they could only attack one at a time, and it involved hitting a ball with one of those clubs.

After the explanation, I asked, "But how do we kill them?" A minor question if you ask me, but the boy looked at me as though I were a god, which is two thirds true by the way. He answered shakily, saying we didn't get to kill them. What kind of war is this?

The boys tugged at my legs, and I slowly followed them down the bank. Looking up at the scoreboard, no doubt hastily constructed by a mongrel craftsman, I saw that the white clad soldiers, the Sharks, were losing to the purple Panthers by almost fifteen points. It was the last 'inning' as well. This could not be allowed.

"Come on mister!" shouted one of the boys, "it's time for us to bat."

I nodded lazily and walked to the bunker where the Sharks were entrenched. On my way however, my ears caught sound of a familiar laughter. I spun on my heel, locking eyes on my quarry.

"Homunculus of Einzbern!" I shouted "Is this travesty your doing?"

The girl laughed. She was half my size, but her red eyes never wavered. "Silly! It's just a game. I'll let you play if you want, because Sella and Leysritt are filling in for some of our players."

I should have known. That girl had planted elite units. Her maids (also homunculi, but easier on the eyes if you ask me) were strong fighters, more than a match for these boys. With stiff shoulders I strode into the dusty bunker, where the other soldiers sat with looks of imminent defeat on their young faces.

"Hmph, you children are lucky today," I said as I opened my treasury. Out of the golden Gate, twelve iron clubs dropped out and clattered onto the concrete floor. They looked similar to the ones the boys wielded, but those clubs did not provide a 200% AGI boost.

"Take these treasures," I said with open arms. "Let us crush those mongrels! How dare they oppose us!"

Ahh, the look on that girl's face. I didn't even need to take the field myself when my subjects were armed with E rank Noble Phantasms. Every single ball that was thrown was sent over the fence, and in ten minutes, the Panthers had been overtaken by a more worthy team. Eventually, I decided enough was enough, and returned the weapons to my treasury. Soon, the other team had earned their allotted 'outs' and my subjects were forced to take the field again.

On a whim, I decided to join them. As I walked out of the bunker, or dugout as they called it, the Einzbern girl stormed up to me.

"Using Noble Phantasms is against the rules!" she screeched. "That's cheating."

I laughed heartily at that, silly girl. "And what of your meat puppets? Are they 'cheating'?"

She fell silent, muttering something about the rulebook being incomplete. Then she jumped back a few feet and raised her hand into the air. "Fine," she shouted, "If that's how you want to play, come on out Berserker!"

The ground shook as the giant manifested. For some reason, the boys around me did not flee screaming at the sight of Heracles. Perhaps this wasn't uncommon. Humorously, the giant was clad in the same purple uniform and cap, and held a comically sized club between two of his fingers. Some rules, it seemed, could not be broken. He stood outside of the Panthers' bunker, waiting his turn to bat.

I decided to observe from left field. The boy there was happy to give up his position to the only true king. The difference in skill became apparent. Even without Berserker, the Einzbern girl's team was much better than the Sharks. They were skilled enough to keep the balls away from left field, and by extension, me. Not to mention, every time Berserker went up, he broke the sound barrier with his swing. Soon a pile of shattered wood surrounded home plate, the remains of dozens of broken bats. The score began creeping closer and closer to a tie. These Sharks truly were weak, but they called out to their liege and as a just ruler, I must help when undying loyalty is pledged. The score was tied, and there was only one course of action for a true Hero King.

As one of the homunculi maids stepped up to bat, I walked to the mound, taking the ball from the pitcher. "Let a King handle this, child," I said. Three pitches later, and the well dressed maid sulked back to her bunker. The other maid was next, and though she gave me more trouble than the one before, I can throw with a speed of two hundred miles an hour. This was not a battle between humans, no. The footsteps of an angry god rang out as Berserker took the batter's box. This game would be decided now, as a battle between Heroic Spirits, not that a mindless beast like Berserker could compare to me however.

I threw my first pitch low, trying to get under his guard. He swung, and the force of air buffeted me, spraying clay in all directions and messing up my hair (it took twenty minutes to get it to settle this morning you bastard!). As expected from me however, he was unable to stop it. My next pitch, he grazed, and though the ball flew into the stratosphere, it was deemed a foul by the terrified umpire. It would come down to this final toss.

Berserker howled as one of the maid's handed it another bat. The crowd had long since left, and most of the children had taken cover. I grinned, and opened my treasury. Portal after portal opened behind me, and from each, a sphere hung in mid air. Berserker roared, and in its insanity, it may have realized my intentions. Of course, that mongrel could not hope to counter this. Each of these spheres was the first of their kind, the catalyst for the creation of hundreds of sports throughout the ages. I chopped my hand forward, and hundreds of my 'weapons' shot towards the batter's box, controlled by my will. That fool! Berserker could not hope to stop them. Every pitched passed his guard. Even if he managed to hit the balls, the force of the impact shattered the bat in his hand, while my weapon continued onward. By the end of it, the benches behind home plate had been annihilated by a storm of magical sports equipment, and the rest of the field destroyed by Berserker in his rage. It wasn't any of my concern. Leave it for mongrels to clean, it was a King's duty to protect his honor and then leave when victory was established. And besides, listening to the Einzbern girl scream at me is not my idea of a good time, so I ran before she decided to sic Berserker on me. It was nightfall when I returned to the church on the hill. With nary a nod to Kotomine, I stumbled into my room and fell asleep. Doing a King's job was certainly tiring, but it felt good occasionally.

* * *

I hope you enjoyed this. Its really my first foray into comedic writing. I decided to use a 1st person perspective for Gilgamesh, as I feel comfortable getting into his head. It is lighter and softer than his normal personality, mainly because I see this story as more Carnival Phantasm than a serious work. I plan to release more on occasion, its too fun to pass up.


	2. Grocery Shopping

Gilgamesh Tries his Hand at Grocery Shopping

* * *

"So, it's settled. Gilgamesh will get the groceries for tonight."

The sadistic daughter of Kotomine said it so casually. The three of us, the bitch, the father, and me, sat in the dining area of the church, enjoying a nice lunch. Kotomine is a better cook than he looks. He can make most meals edible, some delicious (though I would never admit it). Despite that, he usually insists on eating food that I despise. Perhaps because of my protests, we eat that dreaded tofu at least once a week.

I slammed my fist in the table for dramatic effect. "Kotomine! Why was I not informed of this beforehand?"

The priest raised a napkin to his lips. Casually he answered with, "Caren has brought it to my attention that you laze around all day. As a priest, I cannot allow sloth to exist in my own home." It was only for a moment, but I caught sight of a dark smile hidden from view behind the napkin.

Sloth? How dare she! I locked my eyes on that troublesome girl. Her golden eyes glittered evilly in response to my glare. After a moment, she stood and turned her back to me. As she cleared the table (taking my unfinished wine in the process), she said "Well Gilgamesh, you can either shop or stay and do the chores here. What will it be?"

I sighed audibly. There was no arguing with her, and her father never sided with me. For some reason, I feel like an inferior in this house. I stood, pushing back my chair with a slight scraping noise. "Very well, I will fetch your groceries. It is good for a King to examine his own stock once in a while."

With a nod, Kotomine passed me a list scrawled on a torn piece of paper. I skimmed it and felt a drop of sweat tracing its way down my (perfect) cheek. I couldn't read any of it. It seems Kotomine's healing magic had a side effect on his handwriting. A mundane doctor could not rival his scribbles. I opened my mouth to protest, possibly to ask for a new list, written by Caren (though she might write it in German to spite me). Before the words could leave my lips a flash of inspiration hit me. Why would I buy what they want, and subject myself to a meal that could be distasteful at the very least? No, as a King, I would make my own decision today.

I left the pair behind and went to my room to change clothes. Rather, I went to my room to dress in the first place. In fact, my state of dress in the dining room may have led to my current predicament. Kotomine didn't mind it, mainly because I did it all the time, but Miss Caren obviously disliked my penchant for wearing boxers, and only boxers, to the dining table. No doubt that was the reason I was being sent on this meaningless errand. I opened the closet and put on a nice white tee shirt and a pair of jeans. I could dress flashy, but the station front near the bridge was enemy territory as well. As I left the church I slipped on a pair of running shoes. Then I made my way down the hill, towards town.

It was nearing three when I reached the station. The noon crowds were beginning to disperse and the night crowd had yet to arrive, leaving me content to deal with very few mongrels. Still, the Verde shopping center was packed with people. I made my way through the crowds, pushing through shoppers laden with bags and others trying to advance, same as I. In the very depths of the shopping center was a supermarket. With its wide windows and bright, cold light, it was the epitome of everything I hated about the world. Everything inside was so cut and dry. Prices were right on the food, and cold air was continuously pumped in through vents. I remember how shopping was done in Uruk. Even as a King who owned everything, haggling with merchants in the bazaars was a highlight of the day. Seeing the defeat on the enemy's face when he realizes that he can no longer steal your hard earned (or in my case, taken) gold. That is how shopping should be done, not this clinical nonsense.

I regained my posture and entered the restaurant. The sliding glass door moved aside automatically with a hiss and I grabbed a basket from where they laid in a stack near the counters. I walked up to one of the employees, a young girl no older than seventeen and said, "Maiden, as my subject I order you, direct me to the finest of meats and wines!"

She looked surprised for a moment, but eventually pointed me towards the back of the store. Without further interruptions, I made it to the store's excuse for a butcher. With steely eyes, he glared at me across the metal counter, before asking for my order.

"Four of the finest beef cuts you possess!" I demanded. "And do not cheat me, I will see through any trickery! The wrath of King Gilgamesh is not pleasant to behold!"

"R-right," he said, more annoyed than impressed it seemed. He went to the back room to ensure my food was prepared properly. It took far too long, though I suppose I did not ask for expedience. When I returned, he found me tapping my foot angrily. With a glare, I accepted my package and made off for the winery.

There, surrounded by other shoppers, I nearly lost my temper. I gritted my teeth as I stared at the hideous brands of wine stocked here. It was truly pathetic, and not at all worthy of being consumed by me. Even the wine that Kotomine drinks is better than this cheap swill. Even the wine the Conqueror prefers would be of higher quality. A true man of taste would never drink such a lousy selection, but alas, I had no choice. I didn't want to be drinking soda with dinner. With fading reluctance, I reach into one of the cases and choose a pair of bottles. These would have to do. I do not like to drink the wine held in my treasury, save for special occasions.

After grabbing a few snack foods, I made my way to the cash register. A line was beginning to form, and I could see that the woman running the register was the same girl that I had accosted upon entering. Four minutes passed before I reached the front of the line.

"Thank you for shopping with us sir, that will be 10,115 yen." She said after ringing up the items. I nodded with closed eyes and reached into my pocket for the money Kotomine gave me for the food. It was then that I realized. Kotomine never gave me any money for food . . . bastard. I only had the change that I put in these pants the last time I wore them, a total of two hundred and four yen.

I put both hands on the counter and quickly said, "10,115? Is that not a little much? Surely you could go as low as 8,000?" Inwardly I cursed. Yes, I was getting the bartering I so desired, but in such an embarrassing way. Unfortunately, no shopkeeper would take gold from the Gate. I had no choice.

"Ehh?" said the girl. "I-I'm sorry sir. I'm j-just not sure I can do that."

Good, she's wavering, time to nail her. "Come now, a smart girl like you should be able to see the true worth of these items. I would even go so far to say that they are worth less than 7,000 yen combined!"

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a long line beginning to form behind me. I had to work quickly, despite my Kingship; the people of this city did not recognize their true ruler. The girl looked frightened now. True, I was trying to rob her, but it wasn't like I would hurt her.

"I'm sorry sir, I really can't. It's my first week and I could get in a lot of trouble. Please just pay the original price."

Shit. She might have me beat. WHY? Shouldn't my A+ charisma be working? I had to keep trying. "I would girl, I truly would, but on my honor I cannot allow myself to pay for such commodities. They may be worth much to mongrels like you, but for a King, it would be a travesty."

"Then you can just return the items and leave." Said a heavyset man who suddenly appeared behind the cashier. Dammit, it seems this is the manager. I gritted my teeth as I prepared a counter argument. Suddenly, I felt massive murderous intent behind me. Time seemed to slow as I heard the sound of a blade tearing through air. Without turning, I dodged to the side, narrowly avoiding the stroke. The counter was not so lucky, and the cashier girl nearly fainted as the register split in two, spewing coins in all directions. I took two steps back and drew a sword from my treasury (Gram, if anyone cares). Then I saw my opponent.

Bent over at the waist, the cute King of Knights panted with fury, oblivious to the orange haired boy trying desperately to calm her down. She turned to me, raising her invisible blade, wreathed in air.

"How dare you!" She shouted. "Your delays prevent Shirou from cooking! It's a long walk home!"

She crossed the distance between us in a single step, swinging her sword in a horizontal strike. I blocked, only barely, and Gram was torn from my grip. It hit a shelf filled with canned foods and utterly demolished it.

"Ahh, your anger is adorable Saber!" I shouted as I drew another blade, while simultaneously returning Gram to my treasury. "Perhaps I could cook for you one day, and you could enjoy the hospitality of a true man?"

Before I could taunt again, she had attacked. The sword in my grip shattered from the impact of her overhand strike, and I was forced to dodge the next two. By now, the crowd was in a panic, and every blow that Saber launched only managed to destroy more of the store. With the bag of groceries still in my hand, I was at a great disadvantage to the fully armed and armored King of Knights. I needed to escape with my food intact.

"Fine Saber! If you wish to fight, I will allow for some light entertainment!" I opened my Gate and shot Gae Dearg at her. Hit by an upward swing of Excalibur, the spear flew into the ceiling, raining dust all around us. Taking advantage of the confusion, I sprinted for the doors. Then I heard two terrible words.

"STRIKE AIR!" I felt a tremendous gust of air (as expected from something with _air_ in the name), and was thrown forwards through the glass doors. The shattered panes did little to harm me, but I needed to take care to avoid damage to the groceries. I rolled upon impact with the cobblestone ground outside, and rose quickly to my feet. Only then did I notice the damage Saber's actual attack did to me. My shirt was cut to ribbons and the skin beneath sliced plainly. I dripped noble blood from dozens of minor wounds. There was no time to gawk though. Out of the billowing dust, the small warrior king pursued me. How lovely she is, even when she seeks my head. People were beginning to crowd around, trying to catch a glimpse of the fighting.

"Gilgamesh, take this!" she shouted. How adorable. A blade from the Gate moved to block Excalibur, and I decided to take my leave. Using the treasury to distract Saber, I began to run, holding the grocery bag in one arm. Then, in my moment of triumph, I turned at called out to her.

"As expected from you, Saber, unable to stop me even when I am distracted." The words died in my throat. Unhindered by my treasures, she was weaving her way towards me, her golden blade held at the ready in front of her. I cursed. This was no time to be running. A challenge must be met head on, even if I was starting to get really hungry. I called my armor, and as the golden dust began to form around me, Saber raised her blade and shouted out.

"EX-"

My eyes widened. I would never be able to take a direct hit from Excalibur if my armor was not fully formed, and it would take at least five more seconds. Added to that the fact that I was also trying to carry groceries, and I realized that I would not be able to summon another item from the Gate of Babylon to stop the attack.

In desperation I yelled, "SABER!"

As my cry began, hers finished with "-CALIBUR!"

The Sword of Promised Victory let out a great wave of golden light, nearly as brilliant and beautiful as me. As it blasted towards me, tearing up the cobblestone walkway and trashing the lovely landscaping, I could see my death reflected in it. Numerous realities flashed before my eyes. Killed by Excalibur when my Ea was rendered useless, shot in the head by that Faker, torn to pieces by the mere shadow of a monster. Yet of all of them, this was the most pathetic. Why should I die during a grocery run? Is this how my legend will end? Great King Gilgamesh laid low by the supermarket patron. I cringe at the thought. That horror had fully ensnared my mind as the wave of light enveloped me.

* * *

Then I awoke. I immediately moved to confirm that I wasn't dead. My body was in one piece it seemed, and though by clothes had been destroyed, I was quickly able to garb myself with clothes from the Gate. Now dressed in a loose grey robe, I stood and examined my surroundings. It was late, nearly midnight. I had been lying on a bench at the station front. I immediately started wondering about how many people saw a naked blond man sleeping in public, and didn't bother to do anything. Did they think I was drunk or something? Was everyone so apathetic? Then I remembered the groceries. Frantically, I looked all around the bench, but they were nowhere to be found. Then my eyes spotted a loose sheet of paper wrapped around one of the bench legs.

I eased it off the leg and read the words written there.

_Saber destroyed the supermarket and nearly killed you. Since we couldn't buy anything, she insisted on taking your groceries as a reward. I'm really sorry. I swear I'll make it up to you and Kotomine. From, Emiya Shirou._

I crushed the paper in my hand. Giving Saber, my future wife, the food is one thing. But sharing it with him? It was an outrage. How dare he attempt to make it up to me? I'll take the high road in this confrontation, and simply never speak to him again! Yes! That was a good plan. He would be humiliated!

As I affirmed my own superiority, I made my way towards the church on the hill. The lights were out, and as I made my way to the living quarters, I moved silently as to not wake Kotomine or Caren. Naturally, neither cared about what had happened to me. My stomach growled, and a wave of mind numbing hunger hit me Despite the fact that I went to the store because we didn't have any food, I made my way to the kitchen. Maybe I could drink a bottle of ketchup or something. As disgusting as it sounded, I was starving, and a true King does what others dare not. I stepped into the dark room, silent save for the sound of my bare feet on the tile. I flipped the light switch and covered my eyes to shut out the sudden brightness. Turning on the lights so suddenly sounded like a better idea in my head.

The contrast decreased and I could see once more. Taped to the refrigerator was a sticky note. Unlike the writing before, it was clear and in Japanese, obviously written by Caren.

_Father went to another store when you didn't return quick enough._ _There is leftover tofu in a bowl. We left plenty for you_.

Suddenly I realized that going to bed hungry was a preferable punishment.

* * *

Author's note: Chapter two so soon? It seems that I'm enjoying this. Three things you guys should be made aware of.

1. I really appreciate the reviews. I'm glad so many people like it enough to tell me. If you have criticism, I'll gladly take it as well. I have thick skin, and I want to improve my writing.

2. There is a poll at my profile for a number of things that Gilgamesh may do in a later chapter. The one with the top votes will be done soonest, and if one doesn't have many votes at all, it will be put on the back burner.

3. If you happen to leave a review, at the bottom, put an activity that you would like to see Gilgamesh try his hand at. I'll take the best submissions and use them for later chapters.

With those three things in mind, I hope you enjoy this and any future chapters.


	3. Jogging

Gilgamesh tries his Hand at Jogging

* * *

At six in the morning I was woken by the sound of movement in the kitchen. I rolled over in my bed, trying to shut out the noise and return to slumber. This wasn't my idea of a good morning. Normally I slept until ten at the very least. A King needs his beauty sleep after all. I'm not a morning person, especially when somebody is waking me up through their own carelessness. I thought for a moment. Who the hell could it be out there? Kotomine rarely rose early, so it must be Caren. Unless of course Lancer had showed up, as he was wont to do. If that Dog was responsible for this, he would spend a week trapped in Enkidu, I swear it. I rolled onto my stomach and pressed my pillow over my head. It did little to shut out the noise, and only made me angrier. I climbed out of bed, clad only in my silk boxers (fit for a King you could say) and opened the door to my room.

The hall was still dark, but ahead I could see a light in the entrance. It was a rule in the house that lights needed to be off when no one was in a room. Though it was a rule I regularly broke (I make the rules), no one else would dare disregard it. My fatigue had fully turned to annoyance and anger as I rounded the corner. There, Caren Ortensia, that mischievous girl, crouched in the entrance way, tying a pair of running shoes. She was dressed in a tight, long sleeved shirt and a pair of sweat pants. It irritated me how much I was staring at her chest. They weren't even that big! She did a double take, her eyes moving from my face to my abs to my boxers and back in rapid succession. Wait, was that a double take or possibly the fabled triple take? Ho ho! I could see where this was going. As her face turned an adorable shade of red, I put my hands on my hips and posed.

"Gilgamesh! You are in the house of God, please put some clothes on!"

I was surprised. She didn't stammer at all. I smiled at her and said, with little obvious annoyance, "You brought this on yourself girl. You woke me with your careless efforts."

She stood, shaking, though with anger or embarrassment I couldn't tell. "Dress yourself, Gilgamesh," She said, "you are coming with me."

"Oh no, not this time you vile girl. I've had enough of you ordering me around. I, Gilgamesh, fifth King of Uruk, am above your petty authority."

She frowned at me. I warn her not to do that. Her face will wrinkle more when she ages, but naturally she never listens to me. After a moment, she speaks once more. "As a King you may be above my authority, but you are not above God the Father's."

Before I can even begin to say that I don't follow her religion, she continues, "And I do not care that you do not believe in God. His house, his rules, or would you like to live on the street again."

Shit, she got me. As I've said before, living alone is more trouble than it's worth. Having Kotomine and Caren around are helpful, even if they're both sadists. Though inwardly beaten, I resolved not to show it on my face. Calmly, I said, "I suppose I can humor you. What do you ask of your King?"

She grinned, and I could tell immediately that she saw right through my act. "I am going for a jog. As a helpless woman, I require an escort."

Helpless? That woman was in absolutely no danger. If she was kidnapped, it would take no more than twenty minutes before her assailants turned themselves into the police from of sheer terror, or worse, guilt. She was supremely skilled at evoking responses from men, so unless the robbers were jealous women, she should be fine.

"Caren," I said, "Let's not keep up false pretenses. You do not truly believe I am dumb enough to believe that?"

I saw a flash in her eyes. Was it fear at being discovered? Possibly anger? Regardless, her next words were calm, almost apologetic. "Very well. Would you accompany me on my run, Archer?"

It's odd, most Masters call their Servants by their true name when they wish to be familiar, but when she calls me "Archer" it's usually with more affection than normal (which raises my relationship value with Caren to a grand total of zero affection). I was torn. As you can probably tell, I dislike conversation with Caren. She's cruel, petty and quite savage when given the chance. However, even as the King above all men, it's difficult to refuse her when she acts like that.

So, begrudgingly I said, "Very well woman. I will join you." I returned to my room and opened my closet. After Saber ripped up my clothes a week ago, I took it upon myself to purchase backup pairs of all my favorite attire (from Caren's pocket I might add). I put on a tight white shirt made of flexible cloth, as well as long pants and my favorite black jacket. The days where one must look fine while exercising had long passed, but I kept the tradition alive.

I returned to the entrance and was greeted with a small smile from Caren. Oh yes, something was up. She certainly had ulterior motives. Those thoughts and more ran through my head, but as the one true Hero King, I paid them no heed. There was nothing to worry about. We left the church out the back and circled around to the entrance. It was Sunday, and the first services would start in an hour. In a whisper, Caren told me the route. We would run north, halfway to the bridge before turning around, taking the road that circles the hill, for a total of four miles.

I shrugged at her. Such a distance was nothing to me, but it would be pleasing to see her sweat and pant. She began running down the hill, at an absurdly slow pace. Perhaps this was my perspective though, not everyone has the physique of a god, or the power of a heroic spirit. So I followed her silently, enjoying the scenery as we went. Call me sentimental, but I love nature. Cities today tend to be smog enshrouded hellholes, but Fuyuki wasn't horrible. Birds sang in the trees that lined the road, and the sun was just beginning to peak over the horizon. It was truly beautiful; I am not ashamed to say.

* * *

Caren was a surprisingly good runner. She moved with short strides, but was filled with energy. Her breaths were timed well, and she pumped her arms with the right amount of strength. I hate to admit it, but she must be quite fit. Of course, she was not even near my level. I could run for hours at a full sprint and not tire, or fight for days at a time. Despite that, I admired her efforts. After thirty minutes, we took an odd turn, and began following a winding road down a hill towards the river. On our left was the road and then the hill, and on the right was a sheer drop into a wooded area, blocked only by a small railing.

We continued down this winding road for a few minutes before a felt a few presences closing in. Silently, I grabbed Caren's shoulder, bringing her to a stop. She looked up at me with a blank look on her face, as if this was nothing new. "What is it?" she asked.

Suddenly three figures appeared. Moving so fast they appeared as blurs in my vision, they surrounded us in a second. To our rear was the Dog, clad in his blue body suit as usual. His lance, the Gae Bolg, was held at the ready. To my front were the statuesque Rider and that Faker. They all seemed ready to fight.

Then Caren clutched my arm. "Oh no," she said in a monotone voice. "Enemy Servants here to kill us. Save me Archer." What the hell? She didn't sound worried in the slightest. In fact, she sounded as if she knew this was going to happen. My eyes passed over the Faker and Rider. Neither of them showed any killing intent. Lancer of course, did, but that was normal for him. But, killing intent or not, they dared to attack a King, and they would pay for it.

Suddenly I felt Lancer rush towards my unprotected back. No doubt he was thrusting forth with his spear, ready to skewer me. This wasn't even worth my time. My Treasury opened and from it I drew Mjolnir, the great Nordic Hammer. I spun in a circle, striking that stupid commoner directly in the chest. I reveled in his panicked eyes in the moments before he was shot backwards at over a hundred miles an hour, screaming wildly as he went. He bounced twice on the road, tearing up the concrete before hitting the metal railing at the end of the curve. Lancer broke through the railing through sheer force, and the last I saw of him was his screaming body plummeting over the precipice.

I looked from face to face. Caren's hadn't changed. She still looked just as bored. My eyes traveled to Archer and Rider.

"Ahh," mumbled Rider. "Lancer died."

Archer pointed at me as though it was a chore. "You're not human."

My expression twisted into a mask of puzzlement. "What is this mockery? Where the anger? The rage? I killed one of your companions; at least I hope I did!"

Archer sighed and looked at Rider. "It seems we have no choice. Even if we have no stake in it, we should try our best."

"I suppose. But we were offered a lot of money. Sakura would be happy."

With their odd conversation over, the two Servants leapt towards me. I couldn't focus on the fight; I was too busy trying to decipher the meaning in their words. They were offered money; did that mean they were being paid to accost me? How dare they! Trapped in my thoughts, I was barely able to avoid the counterfeit's first attack. His second drew a line of blood from my chest, and the third slashed open my leg. With a curse, I opened the Gate and began launching treasures at him. It took a moment, but a weapon struck home, sending him flying away. I prayed to the Gods that he died. It would be the one good thing they ever did for me.

With Archer gone, all I needed to do was focus on Rider. Did they honestly think they could defeat me? They would need five Servants, nay! They would need every Servant summoned in the past two wars to defeat me. As I thought this, Rider's chains wrapped around my neck. No need to panic however, with a thought, I launched Mjolnir at her, back in the treasury after being used on Lancer. It grazed her with enough force to launch her over the railing.

"Haha! Foul beast! That is what you get for attacking me!" I said. Then I noticed the chain around my neck becoming tauter.

"Oh that may have been a ba-gahjsh"

I was pulled over the edge of the railing by Rider's chain and thrown into the forest. Crashing through several trees, my journey ended as I landed face first into the ground and was knocked out cold.

* * *

I woke up, possibly an hour later. The sun was high in the sky, but filtered through the leaves above it was quite nice. I had a blazing headache. That's twice in two weeks I've been knocked out. Maybe I should see a doctor, I might have brain damage. I climbed to my feet with some effort, steadying myself on a tree. More and more, this was reminiscent of Saber's adorable little rampage, though there was no apology note this time around. Why the hell had they attacked me? Where they jealous of my kingship? Of course! That had to be the reason!

Finding my way out of the forest was more than difficult. I had no knowledge of tracking. Once or twice I thought to call the Vimana out of the Gate and just fly away, but the last time that happened I found myself on TV being called a UFO, so that was out of the question. In another hour, I had exited the forest, and with the help of some passersby (awed by my radiance), returned to the church.

There, Caren was preparing to eat lunch. With a scowl, I sat down across from her at the table. Kotomine was out it seemed, leaving the two of us alone.

"Those Servants did not simply leave you alone, did they?" I asked.

Caren looked up from her sandwich and replied evenly with, "Of course they did. They weren't there for me."

"I knew it. Those mongrels could not suffer their pathetic lives while I existed. Envious fools!"

"No," said Caren, shaking her head. "They didn't attack you because they were jealous."

I laughed at that. "You think you understand their slow minds? I thought better of you."

"Flattering, but they attacked you because I paid them to."

". . ."

She looked at me with a puzzled expression. "What is it Gilgamesh? Is something wrong?"

"You. . . paid them?" I asked. I was dumbfounded. She should have taken pictures, as my expression then was a rarity.

"Of course I did. They were happy to accept the money. And I'm sure you will run into more gangs of roving Servants unless you start wearing clothes to the breakfast table."

What a terrifying woman!

* * *

Author's Note: Again, a reminder that there is a poll on my profile. Suggestions in reviews will also be taken into consideration.

Due to popular demand, the next installment will be _Gilgamesh Tries his Hand at Skyrim, _followed by _Gilgamesh tries his Hand at Judging_.

I thank you all for your kind words and look forward to writing for you again.


	4. Skyrim

Gilgamesh Tries his Hand at Skyrim

* * *

I ran into an interesting individual during my brief visit to the café Ahnenerbe, a quaint little eatery in town. Freed from duties to Kotomine, and desperately avoiding Caren, I decided to drop in for a moment. Sadly, Saber was not at work that day. Not that I for one moment believed that she would go back to work after that incident, but I was disappointed nonetheless. One of those bizarre felines seated me and gave me a cup of coffee (warmer than usual). I enjoy Ahnenerbe because it is one of the few places that accept the gold from my Treasury. Of course, that gold tends to "mysteriously" disappear when I reclaim it later that day. That said, occasionally I pay them in hard cash. I must build trust with my subjects, and robbing them is bad for publicity.

I was finishing with my coffee when a great hulk of a man dropped into the chair across from me. I looked up with a scowl. A King does not share a table with any man. But, my scowl disappeared upon seeing his face. Wide, tough, with curly red hair, and a scraggly beard of the same hue. All together, he was a full head and shoulders taller than me, and his biceps were big enough to crush tree trunks.

"Rider," I said. "I haven't seen you in a while. In fact, this doesn't make any sense. I killed you if I recall correctly."

"Oi, oi, Archer. It's a comedy. Anything can happen if the author demands." He looked up at the ceiling as if something was watching him. What nonsense was this? It is true that I have put my recollections to print, but they are certainly not being published. He spoke as if there was some higher power.

"Besides, the time we spent together in the fourth war was very entertaining if you ask me."

"I suppose," I replied. It was true, of all the mongrels that I have fought, I enjoyed Rider the most. The King of Conquerors, he called himself. Indeed, of all the participants, he was the closest that ever came to killing me. Somehow, he now sat before me. Was it the café's reputation for being the gate to different dimensions, or a simple fact that I was the star of my own comedy? Now I wasn't making sense. Comedy? Me?

"Anyway Archer," said Rider, "I have something for you, something you should enjoy." At that, he placed a parcel on the table, thinner than a book, but hard plastic. On the front was a picture of a mongrel warrior, with the title, "The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim".

"What is this nonsense?" I asked. It was clearly a video game, but I only play occasionally, and I pay attention to new games even less.

"It's a fantasy game, set in a fantasy version of the grim norths." Replied Rider with a grin. "You make a character, and interact with the world however you like."

"It sounds dreadfully boring." I said, placing the case back on the table. "What is the appeal of living in a fantasy world when I've encountered many wonderful things in my own life?"

"Did you ever fight dragons?" asked Rider.

My eyes widened a bit. "Dragons?"

"Yes," he replied. "Dragons, you know, flying lizards that breathe flame?"

"No. I killed a bull once."

Rider grinned, tapping the case with his index finger. "Do you not think you would relate better to the King of Knights if you slew dragons as well?"

His words spoke truth, and I could do little to respond. I reached out with shaking hands and took the game. "PC? How did you know I got a new computer."

"I didn't," Rider replied. "I just made Waver get a copy."

I nodded with appreciation at Rider. "Once again, you prove yourself to be a virtuous man. I accept this gift."

As I stood to leave, he clapped me on the back. "Enjoy it Archer. I doubt you will have much free time after you begin. Make sure to get some food from time to time."

I laughed him off. There was no way a simple diversion like this would absorb my life. As a King, I was above such addictions. How wrong I was.

* * *

It's been a week since I've begun playing. Not "a week" as in, I've been playing on and off for a week, but more like "I have played this game for a week straight". I cannot stop. My eyes are so bloodshot it looks as if I have rubies in my sockets and I've begun to grow a beard. The door to my room is locked, and Caren is too afraid to come in to check on me, fearing for what she may find. Kotomine, naturally, doesn't care. My only companion is the game, which has stolen my concentration away.

When the game began, I immediately sought to make a character representing me perfectly. How pathetic are these creation controls however! My character looked like a brain dead hulk no matter how I fiddled with it! Eventually, I decided to settle for one of the default appearances. How contrived was this experience? A prisoner for a crime I did not commit, saved by circumstance. Ridiculous. However, I am not a quitter. I played on, despite my disappointment. It was then that I realized the strength of this game. I did not need any experience in sword fighting to play. So began the quest of Gilgame (there were not enough spaces for the name!) the swordsman! Greater frustrations began simultaneously!

The beginning weapons and armor were worthless! How could a King like me hope to live with scraps of iron? The soldiers of the Empire looked like rejects from the set of Gladiator (a pleasant film that Kotomine showed me once), with armor just as pathetic. My first encounter with a horde of bandits led to my untimely demise. I quickly had to adjust my strategy. Who knew shields actually were useful? I just thought they were a nice way to show off a coat of arms. Needless to say, Gilgame the swordsman quickly became Gilgame the knight.

Remember when I said that this game was my only companion? I was wrong. I had two more companions. The first was frustration. He never left my side, not when I was getting consumed by dragons or chopped to pieces by undead. My second companion was Lydia, dear dear Lydia. She followed me always, through the tombs of restless dead to the heights of mountains. She reminded me of an old friend of mine, except Lydia was actually a female, instead of simply looking the part.

Since the incident lasted over a week, allow me to simply speak of a few separate tales. Regaling the entire legacy of Gilgame the knight would take a novel or two. My time in the skulking guild of thieves and assassins was quite interesting. I despised both of them on principle of course. The thieves were cowardly, expecting me to simply steal without murder. Even if I owned everything in the world, I could not allow somebody to stand in my way. Thus, my heists were marked with a trail of broken bodies. The assassination quests were more fun, though like the thieves guild I hated using stealth. The armor was disgusting as well, though suitable for a sadomasochist. Perhaps I will custom order some for Kotomine or Hassan.

I digress however; the true joy found working with the cowardly assassins was the death of the mortal Emperor. How could such a man think he could hold the world? It was mine, and mine by right! I ensured that his death was suitably painful, and then I took all of his stuff. So began the reign of Gilgame the Emperor, or so I thought. With the False Emperor dead, I set about overthrowing the rest of the entrenched governments. Such was my shock, when I realized that there was no way to become king. What were the developers thinking? Why would a player not wish to rule over everyone in the land? The thought hounded me as I killed every citizen in the town called Riften to pay for this crime. I came to a conclusion. The developers obviously did not have my best interests in mind. I would have to pay them a visit. If I could ever leave this damn room of course.

With my genocide complete, I planned to move on, to finish what I had started. That black dragon needed to die, and I would be the one to do it. Oh how Saber would praise me! Yet, as I reached the climactic battle, I found darkness taking me. Not "me" as in Gilgame the Knight. Me as in "Oh no I'm dying of hunger". My limbs grew weak, and my vision faded. I tried desperately to stand, only realizing now that my cup ramen stash had run dry days before, and neither Caren nor Kotomine cared enough to bring food. My last sight before I passed out was Gilgame the Knight's valiant death, locked in combat with the dark dragon. A shame that I must die more pathetically than my avatar.

* * *

"So, King of Heroes," said Rider. "How did you like the game?"

For a moment, I stared at Rider with thin eyes. His face was expectant, awaiting the news that it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Oh how I relish moments like these.

"It was pathetic," I said. "The intelligence of the characters was atrocious."

Rider adopted a disappointed frown and scratched his beard. "But that is simply one aspect."

"I am not finished," I returned. "The idea that wars can be fought with twenty soldiers is also laughable, and the females look to be men in drag! It is pathetic, and a true crime. How could you even suggest that a perfect man such as I play such a flawed game?"

Rider looked at the table for a moment. "Apologies Archer. I should have expected that you would be disappointed. Nothing will live up to your treasures will they?"

"Nothing!" I shouted. I stood and prepared to leave. "Try me once more if you do not believe me. I will accept any game you give me. The forlorn frown you bear is a joyous sight."

Now reader, you may wonder how it came to be that I survived by battle with gnawing hunger. In truth, I succumbed and fell into darkness. It was a stroke of fate that saved my life. Caren entered the room not long after, hoping to dispose of my body. Perhaps she thought I had been dead for some time. As she dragged me out of the back church, the threshold assaulted by forehead, vile thing. The impact was enough to rouse me from my deathlike sleep. The ensuing confusion was glorious to behold, what with Caren screaming in fright, me attempting to run to the kitchen, and Kotomine trying to calm his congregation, who were surprised to find a half naked man sprinting down the aisle chased by a silver haired woman.

That evening, after my abrupt awakening and my meeting with Rider, I sat once more in my room. The light of the setting sun drifted through my window once more, and all garbage had been cleared. After the monstrosity it had been, my room seemed to have fresh life in it. I leaned back in my chair and placed my hands behind my head. Then I noticed something out of place. On the edge of my desk, behind my computer's speakers, the game's case lay. Rider never asked for its return, nor did I expect him to.

"You are not where you belong," I said as I picked up the case. I held it in my hands, reading the title over and over again. Then a golden glow appeared above the table, the Gate of Babylon. Slowly, I dropped the case inside. There it would rest until called for, safe with my other treasures.

* * *

Apologies for the long wait. I wasn't satisfied with my first iteration of this chapter, and needed to redo it. I hope it lives up to your expectations.

To the reviewer lamenting Lancer's pathetic death: This is a series much like Carnival Phantasm. Lancer will be the butt of many, many jokes. I love him as much as anyone else, but as they say, "E rank luck".

Look forward to the next chapter, in which Gilgamesh judges a beauty contest.


	5. Judging

Gilgamesh tries his Hand at Judging

* * *

Kotomine said something absurd after breakfast today. We were sipping our respective drinks after a surprisingly mild meal courtesy of Caren. That priest who never ceases to torment us said something that truly interested me. A rare moment of goodwill from an evil man, as he would say.

"Gilgamesh, later today Fuyuki City is holding its annual beauty pageant at the city hall. We were short on judges so I volunteered you. Is that alright?"

I tried to remain calm. This was excellent news, excellent news indeed! I did not even know that Fuyuki held a contest such as this. Who was participating? How much was the prize worth? Why did Kotomine say "We"?

Of course, I would not let any of this excitement show on my face. "Your offer is acceptable Kotomine. However, what do you mean by 'we'?"

Kotomine smiled a bit, though his eyes remained cold as ice. "The position of organizer became suddenly empty, so I volunteered."

I shook my head and stared at him with thin eyes. "That leaves another question. Why would you want to run a beauty pageant? It seems like something that would disgust you. Too many cheerful people."

This time Kotomine's smile was genuine, and I'm ashamed to say I felt terrified for the poor girls entering the pageant. There was excitement in his voice as he said, "But Gilgamesh, do you not realize? When there can only be one winner, the anguish of the dozens of failures is delicious."

"That's quite. . ." I didn't know what to say, so "childish" would have to do. Yes, I understand the irony of that statement. Let me tell you this mongrels, I may be arrogant, but I'm not dense! I act like a fool because it is more fun to play the fool! Are you not entertained by me? Is that not why you're here? Why am I even ranting? Who could possibly hear it?

"Petty as it may be," said Kotomine, "It is my only pleasure. The suffering will be terrible to behold."

"What is the grand prize for this contest?" I asked. Perhaps I could adjust the settings a bit if they did not suit me.

"One million yen," said the priest.

A dish fell to the floor in the kitchen, and shattered into innumerable pieces. As I explained very carefully that I was in no way going to clean it up, Caren began to shake. She wrung the towel in her hand like it was the neck of a bird and gritted her teeth. Both Kotomine and I stopped to stare for a moment, and were started when she spun around and began to shout.

"Father! Why didn't you tell me this! The church could use any money we can get!"

"Oi, oi" I said, trying to calm her, "Why don't you do that thing at the chicken far-"

She waved her arms wildly, "Because that's boring! I need to prepare!"

She ran out of the kitchen, leaving the dishes unfinished and me wondering why she is so out of character today. Kotomine meanwhile, did not react to the utter change in personality that his daughter had suffered. Was it the prospect of showing off her beauty? It certainly hope it wasn't the money.

"Kotomine, I need to go to the city hall. You'll forgive me if I leave the dishes to you."

"I suppose I will. That is, of course, God's will," Kotomine stood up and put an apron on over his priest robes. What an odd sight, I thought as I left the house. I haven't worn boxers to the breakfast table in more than a month. Caren thinks she's won, but little does she know I'm planning a surprise assault. What will she do when all of her clothes disappear from her wardrobe, leaving only her underwear behind! What a wonderful trick, is it not? And before you get any ideas, it's not because I want to see her in her underwear! That would be ridiculous.

I sprinted out the door, calling my armor and Vimana at the same time. There was no time to lose. My golden craft took me to the heavens, where I looked down upon Fuyuki while seated on a throne fit for a god. It streaked down to stop in front of Fuyuki city hall, where dozens of bystanders watched me disembark. A few police officers stood nearby, but thought better about starting something.

I entered the City Hall, past the audience members waiting to take their seats and through the back rooms. No one was stupid enough to stop the man in a full suit of golden armor. The roster of contestants was the first thing I saw. It certainly brightened my day, in fact I'm pretty sure a few of the event staff heard my "squee" of excitement. It was not my proudest moment, I'll admit. I accosted a few members of the staff there, and after a bit of convincing (I threatened to injure the men, I charmed the women) I made an 'adjustment' to the prizes offered.

Kotomine arrived soon after, and he escorted me to the judges room, where we five would wait before going on stage.

"Lancer! What are you doing here?" I demanded to know.

The blue haired Irishman glared at me. "It's none of your business Goldie. I can go where I please!"

I ground my teeth. "Do not think for a second that you will steal the women's attention away from me, mongrel."

Lancer laughed, "You're too focused, King of Heroes. The truly beautiful ones will simply fall through your grasp. I have an agenda you see. I'll approach the winner, and sing her the song of my people. Maybe I'll take off my shirt! Women love me, and my hot blooded personality!"

By the end of his speech, I was ignoring him and looking at the other members of the panel. Another blue haired man, though more like a boy,Matou Shinji sat on a stool with an eager look on his face. How pathetic, the boy was drooling with anticipation.

"Gilgamesh, I didn't expect to see you here," said the other Archer, that Counterfeit. I scowled, but he did not seem to be confrontational. Perhaps he knew the honor that awaited us. In any case, I chose to overlook him in favor of our final judge, a computer with a webcam.

"Excuse me," I said, pointing, "What is this?"

Archer shrugged, "Don't ask me. They just wheeled it in here. No one has any idea what it is."

A few moments later, a girl wearing a staff shirt came in, "Judges please prepare to move to the stage. It's time to begin."

We followed her out of the room in single file and walked up a flight of stairs. Suddenly, bright lights flashed before us and we were bombarded with the cheering of fans. Was I that popular? Of course I am! There was a table set up for us at one side of the stage, I was in the middle, with Archer to my right and the Matou boy to my left. The computer took the right flank and Lancer was on the left. That dog was waving at the women in the audience.

Speaking under the screams around us, I said, "Take the leftovers Lancer. The true women will be mine!"

Before he could respond, the lights dimmed and Kirei stepped onto the stage carrying a microphone. Before your imaginations begin racing, he was wearing his priest uniform as usual. There was no way he would dress extravagantly for such an event. It would not be like him at all.

"Welcome everyone, to the 10th annual Fuyuki City Beauty Pageant. I am your host, Kotomine Kirei. Before I introduce our contestants, I'd like to present our judges for this evening."

He pointed at Lancer, "Forgive his lecherous appearance, for he is Cu Chulainn."

Lancer closed his eyes and began to wave, "Thank you, tha-LECHEROUS?"

Kotomine continued, "Our next judge is the truly perverted Matou Shinji!"

His name was accompanied by a chorus of women screaming "Shinji-kun!" It was truly disgusting. Anything the blue haired kid had to say was drowned out by the noise. Kotomine passed over me to announce the next judge.

"Our next judge is Archer. He is truly skilled at telling fake from original."

Archer and I both laughed at that. Were we getting along? I couldn't have that, and elbowed him hard in the ribs. There, now we were back to glaring at each other. It's a wonderful rivalry we share.

"Next we have…" Kotomine looked questioningly at the webcam. He didn't seem to have a clue either. With his hand outstretched, Kotomine waited as a staff member quietly turned on the computer and connected it to a speaker. Then a voice was broadcast through the auditorium.

"Yes yes! Straight from Ryudou Temple, this is Assassin!"

I looked over at the computer screen, and sure enough, Sasaki Kojirou was visible. He seemed to be on the temple steps, dressed in casual clothes. I said to him, "You truly are dedicated mongrel, if you wish to judge from there."

"No flower can escape my grasp, King of Heroes. My dating technique, Return of the Flower, will capture a woman's heart simultaneously from three different directions."

Despite my arrogance, even I recognized the impressiveness of that technique. Finally I was announced. The cheering was less than I had expected, but it was still glorious. It is certainly good to know that my subjects still love me.

"Kotomine!" shouted Lancer, "Enough with Gilgamesh. The pretty boy can look at himself in the mirror another time. Show us the contestants!"

"Lancer is eager," said Kotomine as he turned to the audience, "and I suspect everyone is. Let us present the fine women competing here today."

They came by in a flash. There were at least two dozen, though only a few caught my eye. Saber naturally was stunning in her radiance. Even without the shapely body possessed by the more feminine contestants, she was truly the brightest star on stage. Not that others did not impress of course. Ilya Von Einzbern was there, wearing a lovely white dress. Berserker screamed his approval from the back of the auditorium. The Tohsaka girl was also there, and my my, she had a crowd. Finally Caren stood out. It was strange for her to be dressed up, but even though she was relatively unknown she received her share of the support from the audience.

Then Kotomine announced the prizes. With a smile, he said, "The second runner up wins a year's supply of restaurant coupons."

Saber pumped her fists, and I heard that Shirou shout from the audience, "Don't sell yourself short Saber!"

Kotomine continued, "The first runner up wins one million yen."

The surprise there was excellent to behold. The contestants were shocked, and whispered to each other in hushed voices. As far as they knew, that was the grand prize. What, oh what, could possibly be better than that? I certainly had a good idea, and only one woman would win it.

Before Kotomine announced the grand prize, he locked eyes with me. I returned his steely gaze with a thumbs up. Then he continued, "The grand prize is a date, with the one and only King of Heroes, Gilgamesh of Uruk!"

Saber froze and went pale. Shaking, she turned around to stare at me. I gave her a smile in response. "You are mine this time Saber!" I shouted. Nearby, Archer and Rin's eyes met. They agreed in that instant, she must win second place. Caren was also desperate to win the money. This was truly getting interesting.

Before the pageant could begin, I walked to the middle of the stage. "Kotomine," I shouted, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear, "How many women get to be in the finals?"

"Three, then the judges simply have to choose who gets first, second and third," said Kotomine, "Are you planning on speeding things up?"

"Of course I am," I laughed. "The King of Heroes says this! Caren, Tohsaka Rin, and Saber of course. You three are in the finals. Everyone else, go home."

Ilya nearly tackled me, but tripped on her dress. In a moment of compassion I caught her before she hit the ground. Am I not magnanimous? She didn't care however, and began screaming.

"How could you not pick me Goldie?"

"Listen homunculus, this is a contest for grown women. Children cannot hope to win."

She pouted and said, "I'm eighteen though."

"But you look like an eight year old. It makes Lancer uncomfortable."

I half-expected the Gae Bolg to fly past my head, but Lancer only glowered at me. Ilya was displeased but she left quietly and sat with Berserker and that Emiya boy in the audience. Now I had to deal with the other women. A group of them stormed up to me, demanding to know how I immediately knew that they weren't finals material.

"It is very simple," I replied, "My friend Enkidu is more beautiful than you."

The leader of the group, a girl that was far too heavily made up for my tastes, was taken aback, but indignantly said, "This Enkidu girl must be pretty hot if she's better looking than us."

I smiled and shook my head with closed eyes. "You misunderstand. Enkidu is a man. Women who are defeated in a test of beauty by a man have no chance at winning this contest. Not while I judge!"

That it was it for them. A few fainted, and the leader turned red in the face. Did they realize their inferiority? Most definitely. As I returned to my seat, I looked over the expressions that the three finalists wore. Rin and Caren seemed focused; both prepared to shoot for second place. Saber was sweated and seemed almost frightened. There was no escaping her fate. She would go on a date with me. It was inevitable.

Kotomine stepped over to our table as the final contestants posed for the audience. He handed us cards that we would use to write our choices for first, second, and third place. There could be no collaboration between the judges, it was blind. My choices were easy. Saber would win the grand prize, Caren the second (even if she annoys me, I should throw her a bone once in a while), and Tohsaka would get the coupons. The black haired girl glanced once at both Archer and Lancer. The two both responded with curt nods. Perhaps this would go in my favor after all. Saber stared at me with fearful eyes, and I showed off my best smile. I was nearly sparkling with happiness. After we finished marking (and after Assassin emailed his form in) Kotomine collected them and returned to the microphone.

"Without further ado, or any more interruptions, I will announce the winners. Our second runner up is . . . the Servant Saber!"

"WHAT?" I shouted, slamming my fist into the table hard enough to dent it. Saber was nearly crying with joy, and Emiya was shouting that they'd eat well tonight. How could this be? Who could have voted her anything other than first place? Could it be that they did not see her beauty as I did? No, they had ulterior motives. Archer and Lancer were giggling (Yes, the stoic Archer was literally giggling with pleasure). How could they do this to me? Kotomine would not let me kill them however. He read on.

"I might as well skip the runner up and move straight to the grand prize winner," he read through the cards that we used and laughed. "How fun. Our grand prize winner is . . ."

Tohsaka was calm, but Caren was praying. She must be desperate to get that money for the church. Or was she desperate not to have to go on a date with me?

"Caren Ortensia!" announced Kotomine.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" my shout and Caren's came out simultaneously. Tohsaka's shout of victory was next, and she high fived Saber. Archer and Lancer joined them and they ran off stage. They planned it all. All the posturing, everything. Saber would get the coupons, Tohsaka would get the money, and no one would go hungry for years (well, weeks with Saber's appetite). I could not believe it. It was absolutely impossible. How could they have arranged this? Did they plan on me changing the grand prize? Did they bribe the Matou boy and Assassin? Was I so damned predictable?

I stood slowly and walked to Caren as the crowds began to leave. She was on her knees, not in prayer, but in anguish. I thought for a moment that I could see tears forming, but they never fell. "Caren, if it means anything, we can just say we went on a date. I do not wish to suffer either."

She glared at me, but before she could reply, her father cut in and placed a plastic crown on her head (off center too. It was really sad). "No. You will go on a date. And you will both hate it. I live for moments like these."

The happiness in his voice was terrifying. The thought that he would torture his own daugh-wait a minute. A date with me is not torture!

"If that is what you wish Kotomine, I will give her the date any woman dreams for. The King of Heroes that rule Heaven and Earth will not back down from such a challenge!"

Dear, her glare was terrifying then. I decided to go for a walk. I'd need to avoid her for a while. It's a good thing that Kotomine did not specify when the date was. Ten years from now sounds good.

* * *

Its been a while. Our next installment is still to be decided. It could be any of your suggestions in the review section, it could be a poll question or it could be a surprise. Prepare yourselves. As a note for, I read all reviews and I form a queue of feasibility for the suggestions, some are great, but just won't work in text form.

I look forward to continued suggestions and reviews. This chapter was great fun to write, and I couldn't have done it without you.


	6. Story Time

Gilgamesh tries his Hand at Story Time

"Mr. Gilgamesh, will you tell us a story?" That simply request was what began it all. Readers, you know me well. When I begin to speak, I cannot help but speak until I have said my fill. Sitting on the artificial riverbank, I thought for a moment. My audience sat below me, twenty or so children from the local soccer teams, no younger than fourteen. I've been their coach for a few weeks, ever since Ilya had joined one of the teams. Basically I was there to keep Berserker off the field. He sat quietly every game, wrapped in the Chains of Heaven.

"Please Mr. Gilgamesh!" urged the children. They squirmed below as they sat cross legged like me. I relented. There was no resisting the opportunity to tell a tale about me.

"Very well children. Listen close. I will tell you the story of how I met my best friend. "

_A long, long time ago, I lived in a city called Uruk, a kingdom in the land between two rivers. The fields were fertile, the sun was hearty, and the people were strong. The city was the most beautiful in the world. Its walls rose hundreds of feet from the ground and were made of the finest brickwork in existence. The very air you breathed had the taste of a fresh wine. It was the finest city of its time, and I was its King."_

"King!" shouted a few kids, apparently entranced by my tale.

_Yes, King. I was an absolutely perfect King, radiant in all ways. The world's wealth was mine, from the silks of China in the east to the Phoenician dyes in the west. My city was the bastion of beauty and prosperity in the ancient world. _

I hope that children this young do not study Mesopotamian mythology; otherwise this next part would get difficult.

_As the King of Uruk, it was my duty to ensure the safety and well being of my people. I loved them greatly. It was their acceptance that allowed me to pursue the pleasure that was always on the horizon. I was a just King, if a bit ruthless. That much is true. I did not tolerate thievery or murder, but I my subjects were strong, worthy of my love. And love them I did, especially the women. You see, there was a rule that I laid down. When a man marries a woman in Uruk, I got to spend time with the bride on their wedding night._

"Spend time how?" asked one of the children with a raised hand. How was I supposed to respond to this? For anyone older, I would dispense with the euphemisms, but these were children. I could not crush their worldview, or their opinion of me.

"Well," I said awkwardly, "Having fun."

"Like playing board games?" he asked. This kid was going to be the death of me.

"Yes, like board games."

_So every wedding night, I played board games with the bride. The grooms were no fun, so I didn't let them play at all. This one time, I played forty rounds of scrabble with just a single woman. Her husband had to carry her home. That was a fun night, but I digress. I played board games with every woman in the city, but there were some that did not like that. My mother in particular told me to knock it off occasionally. Understand this kids, I love my mom. She was a goddess, literally. _

"Isn't this supposed to be a story about how you met your best friend?" asked another child.

"Patience boy, I am getting there," I said.

_Anyway, I was playing board games with the women, and challenging men to feats of strength. We'd throw couches, chairs, all sorts of furniture. I also made them climb mountains and build monuments to me. Every house in Uruk had a Gilgamesh statue. One for every month of the year actually. It was like a calendar of sorts. I was particularly proud of the October mold. Anyway, around the autumn of that year, I began to have dreams. They told me that a new companion was going to come into my life. As the sole King of Uruk, I wasn't sure what to expect. Do I embrace this as truth? Or do I seek to prevent it? I decided to wait by and see. _

_ Two months later, as I had invited a woman to my palace. She had been married that day, and I was ready to play an entirely new type of board game that I had just learned that day_ (Those Ishtar priestesses are kinky). _As I prepared to enter, someone blocked my way. The person was about as tall as me, if not a bit taller, with long green hair that stretched down past the knees. I was sure in an instant that it was a woman. She was absolutely beautiful. Her face was perfectly framed and her figure was slim, but strong, wrapped in a long white robe. I tried to force my way past, but she stopped me._

_ "Out of my way woman, my prize awaits," I said._

_ Surprisingly the response was, "Never fiend. I cannot allow you to defile a newlywed bride." _(Ehh, the kids can take it. I don't need to censor anymore. Well, maybe a bit.)

_"What can you do to stop me woman?" I asked. I reached out and ran my fingers through her hair. "In fact, you're beautiful. I'll have you as well!"_

_ I grabbed her wrist, and she did something wholly unexpected. She punched me in the face with enough strength to knock out a horse. I stumbled, taken aback by the force of the strike. _

_ "That was a good hit. I shall have fun conquering you."_

"What board game were you going to play?" asked someone from behind. I turned to see Lancer standing there, smiling at my story. Had he been listening for long?

"Risk!" I laughed. "I planned to conquer every inch of land she possessed."

_She simply smiled and said to me, "I'm a man."_

_ First of all, that was a bit of a shock. Second, that has never stopped me before. I have a saying kids: if it's cute, go nuts. Anyway, the fact that this was a man wasn't going to keep me from conquering him, but maybe a fight would be better. Before I could even begin, he struck me right on the nose. He dipped from side to side like a boxer as I wiped the blood from my face._

_ "Come on then," he challenged, "Can't hit a pretty face?"_

_ Oh yes I could, and I did. My fist struck him right in the jaw, and launched him through the door behind him. He landed on the bed next to the bride, and the two of them shared a confused look. At this time, I was sprinting into the room, leaping over the large cushions that were strewn about on the carpeted floor. Before the man could rise to an adequate stance, I had punched him again. I kept up with quick hits, and he returned only a few. Step by step I drove him back. This was getting fun for me. I rarely have a chance to cut loose, and this guy could handle more punches than every guy in Uruk combined. I backed him to the wall, and before he could react I drop kicked him. There wasn't a window or anything; I simply kicked him through the wall. _

At this point the children were all on their knees, leaning forward towards me. This was just like their cartoons with massive fights and martial arts. I had their attention, and I wasn't going to lose it.

_I leapt out of the window after the man. I could already tell he was going to survive the fall with little injury, and I wasn't through yet. It was too much fun. As we neared the ground, he did something unexpected. His legs wrapped around mine, and he held my arms fast behind my back. Only when my head struck the ground did I realize I had been caught in a spinning piledriver. I rolled onto my back and then climbed to my feet, groggy and disoriented. His punch caught me in the throat, and sent me flying backwards into the market district, where I destroyed a stall in my landing. As I stood I grabbed a brick. It met his forehead with a satisfying' smack', but I wasn't prepared for the horse drawn carriage that he returned_

_ I climbed out from the wreckage, and faced off with the green haired man once more. All around us, the people in the market district were fleeing. Seeing two supermen strike the ground from the palace on the hill had terrified them for some reason, and now we were tearing up the bazaars. I was bleeding from dozens of cuts, and his face was covered in bruises. Still, he could pass for a beautiful woman. I mean really good looking._

_ "Done already?" he asked with a smile through bloody lips. He found a tear in his robe and pulled it further, wrapping the remnants around his waist. His abs were as good as mine, an accomplishment worthy of a true man _(The Faker doesn't count. They may not be real). _ The fight began anew, and two whole houses were destroyed by the pair of us. We moved towards the city entrance, where guards were alerted to our approached by the citiziens' screams and massive plumes of approaching dust. As our battle neared the gate, I caught the man in a hold and threw him like a javelin. He struck the gate headfirst, throwing open what took twenty men ordinarily. _

_ He laid unmoving just outside the city gates. I approached, ready to claim my victory, but in an instant I was ensnared. He was behind me, leaning backwards with the help of gravity. For the umpteenth time that day, my head hit the ground, this time in a Sumerian Suplex _(Yes, we invented the suplex).

_ I stood once more. I could tell that our strength would not last. Neither of us could fight for much longer. My knees were shaking, and despite his grin, he could barely stand either. _

_ "One last punch?" I suggested. _

_ He nodded and said, "Sure, why not?"_

_ We charged towards each other with the last of our strength. His punch sailed towards my face, and I barely pulled away in time. As he passed, my fist struck his temple, and he crumpled to the ground. I crouched by his body until he awoke, and then I shook him until he was lucid. _

_ He smiled as he spat blood, and said to me, "I'm Enkidu."_

_ I grinned. "Gilgamesh, I am King around here."_

_ "So I've heard," he replied as he stood. "I've come to rein you in."_

_ "You think you can? No man can hold me back!" This could be fun._

_ "I did already, did I not?" Then he looked around at the people gathering. Smoke was rising from the burning buildings, the city gate's hinges were torn, and the markets were ruined. The smile on Enkidu's face turned to an annoyed frown. "Maybe I tried a bit too hard."_

_ "Nonsense!" I shouted. I grabbed him by the shoulder and dragged him towards the palace. "I can tell already Enkidu. This will be great! By the way, you'll have to teach me how to wrestle like that."_

_ He looked up at me and smiled. Maybe my glee had transferred a bit to him. "Of course, Gilgamesh."_

I looked up at the people around me. I had been so entranced in my own story, that I had completely lost sight of my surroundings. A crowd had appeared, and it seems they had been listening with great interest. Among the dozens of ordinary people, I noticed Lancer had stayed, and a few others had arrived including, Caster and her husband, Ilya, and Bluebeard's Master (wasn't he dead?). Evidently, they realized the story was finished, and began applauding quietly. I smiled as they left, and nodded to Lancer as he walked off towards the church. It seems he would eat with us tonight.

In five minutes they were gone. I shifted my position and faced the ocean breeze as it came in. The sun was about to set and I'm sure the last orange rays reflected well off my golden hair and crimson eyes. Yet, despite the beauty of the sunset I was gripped by an unusual sadness. It was a feeling that I try my best to ignore, yet it clawed at my throat now that I had relived such memories. My face was wet. Was it raining? I laughed a bit. The skies were clear. How odd for it to rain at such a time.

"Enkidu, friend. I miss you."

* * *

I've been waiting to do that chapter for a while, I just needed to find a proper way to set it up. Enkidu's personality is pretty much my own creation, as I've never actually read Fate/Strange Fake. I'm taking inspiration from his appearance and purpose in the original myth when forming his mannerisms and personality.

For the next installment, we are doing something a little different. It's titled, _Gilgamesh tries his Hand at a Mailbag_. This is how it works. In your reviews (or a PM if its too good to post where everyone can see) post a question for the King of Heroes. The next chapter will be spent with Gilgamesh personally answering your questions. Don't worry if your question isn't answered next chapter, as I'll do a mailbag chapter every once in a while with a warning the chapter before so you guys can send in your queries.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter, even if there was less comedy in it than previous ones.


	7. a Mailbag

Gilgamesh tries his Hand at Mailbag

* * *

On a whim, I found myself in the Verde shopping center. Its central plaza holds a massive bulletin board. On its corky form were hundreds of slips of colored paper pinned by passersby. They ranged from requests to search for lost animals to organization schedules. Normally, this board would not interest me at all, as I leave retrieving animals to Archer and the Emiya boy, and I am a member of no organizations, but today an idea sparked in my head. Kotomine told me once how a priest's job was to advise the religious public. I grinned and opened my treasury to retrieve a sheet of papyrus. Using a pen hanging on the bulletin board, I wrote a simple message and left it pinned by one of my knives.

"Have questions, concerns or comments that need answering? Gilgamesh, the oldest heroic spirit will alleviate your fears. Send all letters to the church on the hill."

Why would I do this you ask? As the ruler of the entire world, I have a duty to work for the improvement of my subjects. It's been shown twice that I fail utterly at using the Holy Grail to sweep away the chaff of society, so perhaps it would be better if I bring the rest of the world to my level. To start, advice would be best, even if few could follow my example. I thought it would be simple, and that people would take it seriously. I was in no way prepared for what would come.

The first letters began to come in a few days later. At first Kotomine looked at them with an amused smile. Once the numbers began to increase however, his smile became cold. It was not ridiculous to say that I feared for my well being. In the interest of time, I will simply transcribe the letters (edited for clarity) and my responses.

* * *

_So I am permitted to ask any question that I wish. Very well, when will you cease your futile quest for me? -Saber_

Dear Saber, the thought that I would cease in my quest to own you is anathema to me. One day you will be mine, whether you like it or not!

* * *

_Dear Gilgamesh, why did you not use your most powerful Noble Phantasm, Ea, during the opening battle of the 4__th__ Grail War when the majority of Servants were present?_

A good question, but easily answerable. Why would I use my Sword of Rupture against such untested scraps? My Gate of Babylon would have sufficed to kill that mad dog Berserker if that mongrel Tokiomi had not intervened. It took days for me to find an opponent worth using Ea on. It would be a crime to use it against anyone else.

* * *

_Where did you get Ea?_

Inheritance from the 4th King of Uruk. Of course, at that time it was just a pretty sword. Only when I have enough mana could it be used to summon Enuma Elish. Contrary to popular belief, we Servants are much more powerful when summoned in Grail Wars. Did you think King Arthur defeated Mordred by shooting a golden beam from her blade?

* * *

_Were you planning on using the 4__th__ Grail to get immortality for you and Saber?_

How do all you mongrels know about the events of the 4th War so well? I was sure you all died in the fire. I was simply going to wish for true incarnation for us, not immortality. I've given up on such a dream. Pain and madness lie that way.

* * *

_O King of Heroes, if you would permit me to ask, what would your reaction be if Kotomine were somehow turned into a woman?_

Ha, some respect from a mongrel. That's nice to hear. Then he'd turn into a taller Caren, and pretty much nothing would change. What an obvious answer mongrel. Think twice before asking! This mailbag is supposed to be for advice, not your lowlife fantasies!

* * *

_Have you ever encountered ORT or a True Ancestor?_

What an interesting question. I have never encountered Type-Mercury, though Kotomine has told me of its existence. As for a True Ancestor, I met a blond woman up north in my travels. She was quite laid back for such a powerful being. Before you jump to conclusions, I will have you know that we did not engage in battle. I can tell when I'm outmatched. All in all, she was a pleasant woman to talk to, but the bespectacled man at her side was a bother.

* * *

_Are you actually skilled with weapons?_

Of course I am skilled with weapons, the argument is simply the degree of skill. I can certainly defeat any mongrel swordsman if I wished, but an opponent like Saber or the 4th Berserker is certainly more than a match. Even I understand what result would come from a fight like that.

* * *

_Have you ever seen Saber in a lion costume?_

Of course I have you plebian! It truly is a miracle of the universe.

* * *

_If Saber was a virgin, how did she know how to please men?_

. . . EMIYA! IS THAT YOU? AS KING OF ALL THE EARTH I CANNOT STAND FOR THIS MOCKERY!

* * *

_Dear Gilgamesh, I challenge you to a game of Starcraft 2._

First of all mongrel, that's not a question. Second of all, Starcraft is a sad counterfeit of Warhammer 40,000, though it does not diminish the enjoyment one can get from playing it. Third of all, you're on.

* * *

_To Gilgamesh, King of Heroes:_

_Salutations! It is an honor to be able to ask you a question, and I hope you find it in your heart to answer it. The question is as follows:_

_Given the real thing, and an indistinguishable fake, which is worth more?_

_I have asked three different people, and they all gave me different answers. A woman by the name of Yodzuru Kagenui has told me that the original is worth more, which makes perfect sense. A wise man by the name of Meme Oshino told me that both are of equal value, because they both exist._

_And then I ran into a con artist named Deishuu Kaiki, one who claims to be a fake. Now this guy gave me a really interesting answer. He claimed that the fake was worth far more than the original, because in it's deliberate attempt to be real, it became more real than the real thing._

_Now, my question is: which do you agree with? That the fake is worth less, is of equal value to, or is worth more than the original?_

_With respect,_

_ShadowFaux._

_P.S. Emiya told me to tell you this: "Dagger to the head." Make of it what you will._

Now this is a question! A true mystery of life and one that everyone should consider. Understand this; a fake will always be a fake. Even if it becomes the equal of the original, it holds none of the history or metaphorical weight that the original carries. It certainly cannot be more than the original. While a copy is a novelty, the original is a collector's item. It may be unfortunate for those that possess copies, but I cannot allow the thought to persist that travesties can be considered equivalent to their template. As for that last part, I shall see you in the depths of hell.

* * *

_What did you do between the 4__th__ and 5__th__ Grail Wars?_

The same thing I do now. Whatever I want.

* * *

_Do you go after men and women?_

Are you saying that you do not?

* * *

_Where does the glitter come from when you teleport?_

I have a separate section in the Gate for glitter. I could win the Holy Grail War by drowning my opponents in glitter.

* * *

_What did you think of the mana transfer between Shirou and Saber in Fate?_

I am glad your envelope had a return address.

* * *

I stood, too frustrated to continue. I gave these people an adequate chance to praise me and ask for advice, yet many of them attempted to mock me! A few even asked how I turned into such a bad adult after being such a nice kid. Why would I even consider honoring that with a response? As a matter of inquiry, how do so many people know about the various realities that I have populated. Sure I know about them, that Zelretch fellow comes along every few months or so, but regular people? Such a thing could make a lesser man paranoid.

If you will excuse me, I have a mongrel to beat up.

* * *

Author's note: Remember that Gilgamesh's answers do not reflect my opinions. Don't hurt me! We will return to your requests starting chapter 11.

Chapter 8 will be _Gilgamesh tries his Hand at Beach Day._

__Chapter 9 will be _Gilgamesh tries his Hand a Bake Sale._

__Chapter 10 will be a surprise. Hopefully one you enjoy.


	8. Beach Day

Gilgamesh Tries his Hand at Beach Day

We are currently in a car on its way for the coast. I was astounded of course, when Kotomine pulled it up to the front of the church. Compared to the wealth that I possess, a priest is a beggar that lives off the scraps of high society. How did such a man afford any vehicle, much less the new looking minivan that he was currently driving? If I asked him, he would probably say that he got it as a gift, but I know better. He must be 'appropriating' the donations again.

"Kotomine," I say, "Are priests not supposed to disperse the funds gained through the Church to the poor?"

He glances back at me from the driver's seat. There is a familiar gleam in his eye. "Hmm? King of Heroes, are you implying that I would steal from the money given to us out of the congregation's goodwill?"

I know him too well. "Of course."

The gleam was all the brighter now. "You would be right, then," he said. "Do you know the joy I feel in seeing the faces of the congregation when I tell them that no matter how much they give, it is still not enough?"

He began quietly chuckling to himself and I foundd myself oddly disturbed. I turned to my left, where Caren sat. Her chin was propped up on her hand and she was quietly staring out the window at the passing scenery. I could see the small grin on her face through the window's reflection. Sadists! I was surrounded by sadists!

I should address the Caren issue. After our date a week ago, she has refused to speak to me. I certainly do not blame her. The whole affair was horrific. I do not wish to relive such an event again. What that Faker did was. . . suffice to say that it was criminal in its offensiveness. I paid him back quite well, but it was not enough. I ache for the chance to humiliate him once more.

I absentmindedly rolled the window down. The sea breeze quickly struck me, and I could taste the salt on the air. I smiled. Uruk never had seas nearby, but I remember well the fun days spent on the rivers Tigris and Euphrates. When summer came, Enkidu and I would lead whoever wished to go on a truly massive trip. It was always a glorious endeavor, and I looked forward to it just as much as the citizenry.

Kotomine had told us of a wonderful beach about thirty minutes from the outskirts of Fuyuki and insisted we go all of a sudden. Naturally, I did not protest. Seeing Kotomine in beach clothes is quite amusing, though he is still wearing his long purple coat. It does not mesh well with his sandals and sunglasses at all, or with his lack of shirt.

The weather was certainly wonderful though. Immediately after Kotomine parked the van, I leapt out of the vehicle to take in the spectacle. With arms spread wide, I closed my eyes to enjoy the sensation. The sun was bright, and no clouds were there to mar its glory. If any had dared infringe on its majesty, I might have drawn Ea from the Gate to remove them with extreme prejudice.

Caren and Kotomine got out of the car and followed me as I ran down towards the water's edge. Go ahead and judge me mongrels, I was having the time of my life. The beach was nearly deserted, with only a few people walking along the shore. As Kotomine and Caren walked over, I turned to them and smiled.

"What agenda do you have Kotomine?" I asked him. "Trying to repair the relationship between your bestial daughter and I? I can assure you that is impossible."

Kotomine smiled at me, and I was tempted to laugh. His swim shorts were covered in printed bowls of mapo tofu. Who even makes things like that, and where do you go to buy it? Before I could burst out laughing, he said "Nonsense. I understand that my daughter would not reconcile so easily."

Caren's face twitched and for a second she seemed displeased. How odd, that girl was usually quite forgiving.

Kotomine continued, saying "In any case Gilgamesh. I had something entirely different in mind when I brought you here."

Another car pulled up next to Kotomine's van, and my smile vanished as I saw the people exiting. That Faker in the red coat came out from the back, and then his shorter twin, the (soon to be former) lover of Saber. Medusa was the driver, how fitting, and Saber, the Tohsaka girl and Matou Sakura were the last to exit.

"Kotomine," I hissed as they joined us, "what is the meaning of this?"

"I thought we could all have some fun at the beach," replied the priest.

Behind him, Tohsaka said, "Normally your idea of fun is a horrible experience Kirei, but I think this may have been a good idea."

That Archer seemed to understand how I felt however. After the date, I couldn't look Saber or the orange haired Faker in the eyes. Archer actually seemed to show me some sympathy. Not that I wanted it of course. I was hoping to enjoy a nice day (relatively) alone on the beach, but these new arrivals brought a massive amount of awkwardness that even my arrogance couldn't dissolve.

The day went on and I found myself resting on a towel as most of the group played in the crashing waves. The statuesque Medusa was my only companion, and while I will admit she is a beauty, she had no intention of carrying on any conversation with me. I made myself content to simply enjoy the sun and wind.

Lunch came and went. The Emiya boy brought food with him, and I grudgingly thanked him. He knew how to cook. As we finished eating, Kotomine got our attention with a quick clap of his hands.

"I have prepared a short activity for us in the afternoon," he said. I didn't notice any malice in his statement. Perhaps it would be a nice diversion. He continued, "I propose a sandcastle building contest. You will be divided into teams of two and will be given one hour to build the best sandcastle you can with what skills you have at your disposal."

I stood up, "Very well Kotomine, I accept your little game! How are the teams to be divided? Do not tell me that I am partnered with Caren."

She spoke up and said, "No, I am to be a judge as well."

"Oh, then wh-" my question is interrupted by the sound of hooves. Hooves and lightning. Hooves and lightning coming from the sky. We all look up to see a massive chariot pulled by two horned oxen barreling down to earth.

"AAAALaLaLaLaie!" shouted the massive man in the back. His red hair swayed with the wind as the chariot crested to a stop in front of us. He leapt out, his red cloak billowing behind him, and was followed by a shorter, black haired man.

"Rider?" I exclaimed.

Nearly at the same time, Tohsaka shouted, "Lord El-Melloi II?"

Rider grinned widely, revealing his white teeth. "Yes. My Master and I have come. King of Heroes. The Supervisor told me I would be your partner in this contest. Imagine it, the two of us finally working for a common goal."

"Indeed," I said, "Of all the beings on this earth, only one would please me more. Let us win this outright, Rider."

As he threw back his head and laughed, my eyes passed over the man at his side. His long black hair reached past his shoulders and he wore a long red coat even here at the beach. He's made a name for himself, I noted. Of all the other Masters in the two Grail Wars I lived through, his devotion was the only one I could acknowledge.

"Lord El-Melloi II will join Caren and I as a judge," said Kotomine. He pulled a pocket watch out of his coat and checked the time.

"Kirei" began Tohsaka, "Wasn't Lancer supposed to be here?"

The priest smiled. "They were, but their vehicle suffered an unfortunate accident."

A shame, I thought. I looked forward to humiliating that dog in our bout today.

"Now," said Kotomine as Waver Velvet took his place as a judge, "Begin."

At once, the teams rushed off to begin creating their sandcastles. Rider quickly marched to my side. "So, King of Heroes, how do we proceed?"

I smiled and opened the Gate of Babylon. From its glowing depths came a single sheet of paper. Without looking at the King of Conquerors, I handed it to him. "Can you read cuneiform?" I asked.

He scratched his beard as he looked at the page. Evidently, he couldn't. Then he said, "No, but I know_ someone_ who can."

"Have him decipher it then. That page shall illuminate our path of glory."

I heard him breathe deeply behind me, and by the time I turned, he had disappeared into thin air. I grinned. Victory was already ours.

Watching the other teams struggle was highly amusing. Some were competent, some were not. Saber and Emiya worked hard certainly, but the mongrel boy was the only one with any skill in creation. Their castle was modest, but it glowed with the effort of its creation. Sadly, hard work hardly works. It would pale in comparison to others.

Tohsaka and Archer had quite a strategy. They planned to create their castle entirely through magecraft, and they squatted with their hands raised over the small lump of sand. With Tohsaka's earth magecraft, she was able to manipulate the sand to her own desires. Unfortunately, this would require her to use up her stored jewels. From a distance, I saw one crack, and her scream of anguish informed me that they would be eating cheap food for quite a while. Archer shook his head sadly, and my gaze moved on.

"Impressive," I said without meaning to. Medusa and Sakura's castle actually reached above their heads. Sakura's magic was influencing the sand greatly, binding it together for Rider to put it into place. She floated above on her Pegasus, carefully shifting a flying buttress into place. Their castle resembled a gothic cathedral, and it would certainly claim victory in any more mundane contest. Its architecture was truly impressive.

The contestants struggle on and for an hour I watch. Suddenly, Rider is at my side again.

"Well?" I ask with crossed arms.

He snorts with a grin. "It is as you said. We cannot lose."

* * *

Twenty more minutes pass before Kotomine calls time. He first walks to Emiya and Saber. Despite my love for her, I could not say that her castle was good in the slightest. It was off center, had poor foundation, and simply had no creativity. Still, the eager look she had on her face nearly drove me to tears. Next, Tohsaka's and Sakura's were judged. While Tohsaka's was impressive, the Matou castle certainly blew them out of the water (haha beach puns!).

Before Kotomine came to me, he was interrupted by a massive roar. Everyone turned to see an unusual sight. The Einzbern homunculus stood with her maids atop a truly gargantuan castle, with Berserker holding onto the spire of a massive tower. It covered all of us in shadow, and I suddenly wondered how it was built without anyone noticing.

"Why wasn't I invited!" screamed the white haired girl from the battlements.

One of her maids turned to calm her and said something truly odd, "It's alright Madam. The author forgot about you until this very moment. Be satisfied that you appeared at all."

That gave me even more pause. What in Nergal's name did that mean?

"I am sorry," said Kotomine to the girl, "You were not present at the start of the contest, so I cannot allow you entry."

Her indignation was tremendous to behold, and Berserker was upon us before we could even speak. As I raised my hand to summon the Chains of Heaven, I noticed he was wearing a massive pair of swim trunks. Thankfully, I entangled him before he caused too much damage, but Saber's castle was lost in the carnage. He screamed from where he was bound, and a bunch of the Einzbern maids began to bury him in the sand. Odd girls.

"Now then Gilgamesh," said Kotomine, with Caren and Waver following him. "I do not see your castle. Do you mean to tell me that you have forfeited?"

"Nonsense," said Rider at my side. "Our ambition stretches far beyond this mortal world, and reaches a dimension created by will alone!"

I felt the pull of reality bending, and a burst of white light erupted from the King of Conquerers, engulfing us all. When my eyes opened next, the sea had vanished, replaced with yet more sand. Rider's Reality Marble, Ionian Hetairoi, had manifested itself. Behind me was the work of Kings. I did not turn yet. I did not need to. The faces of the assembled Masters and Servants was certainly enough to satisfy me. Tohsaka's jaw was probably touching the ground, and even Archer seemed impressed.

"Speak now!" shouted Rider. "Does the greatest castle show the greatest path of kingship?"

The shout of "yes!" was nearly deafening. From behind me, a hundred thousand of Rider's loyal soldiers stood on a godlike structure. It stretched hundreds of feet into the manufactured sky, a product of thousands of hands and a blueprint given to me by the gods. It resembled something out of a fantasy movie, and its presence caused the Reality Marble itself to flicker, such was its impossibility. The soldiers lined the walls and parapets, stood behind three portcullises and marched the halls of the keep. This sand castle had transcended that pathetic title. it would hold in the event of a true siege.

Even Kotomine was speechless for a moment. "I cannot argue with the truth," he finally said. "Victory goes to Gilgamesh and Iskandar."

With a cheer of triumph echoing from a hundred thousand throats, Rider let the Reality Marble crumble. Back on the beach, I shook his hand with a smile. He was an enjoyable man to deal with. Suddenly, Caren was at my side.

"Don't let it go to your head Archer," she said.

"What is that supposed to mean, woman?" I snapped.

"Congratulations," she said in a deadpan voice before walking off.

I scowled. Even when I win she makes me feel otherwise. Ahh well. I'll revel in this victory. Perhaps I should brag a bit to Archer. Yes, I thought. I should go do that. His irritation will be enjoyable.

* * *

Author's Note: Hey everybody. Just want to let you know that I've written another story set in the Nasuverse called Fate/EMIYA. Its about Shirou's trials as a superhero after the 5th Grail War. Its a serious fic, but Its quite good. I urge all of you to check it out and tell me what you think. You won't be disappointed. Until next time.


	9. a Bake Sale

Gilgamesh Tries his Hand at a Bake Sale

* * *

By the time I rolled out of bed it was already bright in my room. The light was breaching my shutters like an Assyrian army would a city's walls. It was Saturday, a day that I would normally spend playing video games and desperately trying to avoid whatever meager task my evil Master has for me. Today, the gods were not on my side. Nary had I taken a step from my room when Kotomine had blocked my way.

"Gilgamesh," he said in his typical drawl. "I have need of you today."

"What are we doing, Kotomine?" I asked. "Removing the helium from kids' balloons or putting fresh gum on the sidewalks?"

He chuckled, as if those items might actually be on the agenda for later. "No," said the priest. "Today we have a different task; one that will provide joy to dozens."

I cringed on the inside. Anything like this could be disastrous for the people of this town, but what could I do? Besides, Kotomine hasn't done something truly dangerous in a long time. At the worst, it would inconvenience some people. It might even be fun to watch, as long as I didn't get dragged into it. I had a reputation to uphold.

"Alright," I conceded. "What is it you want me to do?"

He turned with a swish of his overcoat and I followed him down the hall to the kitchen, where Caren was cooking. "Perhaps you would take breakfast first?" he said, gesturing to a seat at the already set table. A napkin and silver wear were already placed at my seat of choice, and the chair was slightly pulled back.

I laughed and said, "Finally you treat me like a King, Kotomine!"

Caren poured me some wine from the cellar, a favorite bottle of mine used to special occasions. I looked at her oddly as I took a sip, but as far as I could tell, nothing was wrong. The food came next, fried eggs with a side of bacon. It seemed that Caren was used to make western food. I dug in heartily. Then, I felt it. A warm sensation flooded my body; dulling my senses and making my limbs feel weak. I turned to Kotomine with horror in my eyes. I knew at that moment exactly what he had done.

"Apologies, Gilgamesh," said Kotomine without an ounce of sympathy or sincerity. "The bake sale today cannot be interrupted by your foul attitude."

"Kotomine, you bastard!" I began. I stood with wobbly legs and tried in vain to open my treasury. I would pull out Ea and destroy the whole damned church. Instead, I fell to my knees. I couldn't even summon the power necessary to concentrate. My head was so clouded I couldn't do something as simple as open the Gate.

"Have a nice rest, Gilgamesh," replied Kotomine, "You will be useful today."

My last sight was of the father and daughter standing over me with sick smiles on their faces.

* * *

When I awoke, I knew something was horribly wrong. My eyes barely came up to the table, and when I looked for the clock to see what time it was, I had to jump to see on the counter. With mounting horror I ran towards the bathroom with light steps. Inside, I examined myself in the full length mirror that was mounted on one of the walls.

"Oh no," I said, with an oddly high pitched voice. I- I was a child. I was a cute, adorable child dressed in clothes that accentuated my cuteness. And by the gods I hated it. Damn that Kotomine for pushing me into this position. Yet as my anger came to bear, I felt my bad temper disappear. The potion had other effects of course, and my mind returned to that of my child self. Speaking now, after the fact, it was a truly horrible experience, but at the time my mind was filled with joy and wonder at my situation.

I walked outside to find Kotomine, Caren, and Lancer setting up long tables in the yard outside of the church. Bazett was there as well, and she didn't seem happy about it at all. She was surprisingly clumsy, and every once in a while Lancer had to help her out. I assumed that she was embarrassed, because every time Lancer stooped to pick up something she dropped her face turned as red as a tomato.

"Gilgamesh," said Caren, "I'm glad you've finally come."

Her face didn't betray any emotion. With her mouth shut in a flat line and her eyes half-closed without even a spark of life, I couldn't tell what she was thinking at all.

"What are we doing Master?" I asked in a voice that still sounded off to me.

"Selling baked goods for the benefit of the church and the poor," she replied as she placed a large basket of cookies on the table next to her. Footsteps behind me alerted me to Kotomine exiting the church. He carried more products: cakes, pies, cookies and other assorted foods. How they managed to bake them all without me knowing truly escaped me.

"Can I have one?" I asked with puppy dog eyes. Even as a child I knew that I could manipulate people, but Caren would have none of it.

"You are a worker. When the day is done, I will bless you with the leftovers."

Good enough for me, I thought, and I threw my arms into the air with a cheer. I ran over to Lancer and tackled his legs, nearly knocking him over.

"Oi, brat," he said with a half-hearted scowl, "Watch where you're going."

Then he leaned down to me and whispered in my ear. "Hey, Gilgamesh. I know we don't get along very well, for good reason, but I'm sorry for what they did to you."

I cocked my head and said, "Did what?" My childish mind didn't understand the crime performed against my godly flesh.

Lancer shook his head with a sigh and said, "Never mind, kid. We can talk when you're back to normal."

Of course, I had little idea what normal was at the time, and was perfectly content to stay as a child. Very soon, Kotomine and the others had finished setting up, and we had a true feast of baked goods prepared.

"Father," I said, addressing Kotomine by his formal title (Something no sane man should ever do). "How do the people know that there is a bake sale today? Did you post a sign?"

He smiled. "I did. The bulletin board near city hall became covered in advertisement one morning. I have no idea how it could have happened."

"How odd," I replied. "Someone must be looking out for us."

"We are truly blessed by the Lord," said Caren as she opened the boxes of goods. "Gilgamesh, I would like you to work the center table here with these cakes. A cute child will attract many costumers."

"Ok," I replied. I turned and ran towards the table with spread arms and, after putting a box on the ground to stand on, took my place behind it. I was ready to sell. My Golden Rule skill would make it impossible to lose money. Since I was manning one table, chances were that the skill would influence the others. We were sure to turn at least a small profit, if not a massive one.

About ten minutes later, the first costumers began to trickle in. They were ordinary people it seemed: kids with their parents, young couples and legions of older women drawn to the idea of a place to discuss food. They moved around the tables while talking loudly to each other. As they passed by me, they cooed and patted my head as if I was a child (Wait a minute. At the time, I was), and I just ate it up.

"C-can I sell you something?" I said in the most adorable voice I could muster. Faced with weapons grade cuteness, the gathered women could do little but acquiesce. They bought loads of my goods, but even when the stocks began to run dry, Kotomine and Caren were always able to find more for me to sell. Then I noticed something. In my childlike state at the time, it meant nothing to me, but now that I am recovered, I could see their schemes plain as day.

Caren's scheme was genius. She would always be on the verge of running out. Someone would buy something truly delicious, and then the dozen people waiting in line would be disheartened to hear that she had run out. About ten minutes later, she would return to the church to refill her stock, and begin anew. The disappointment fueled her, and the corners of her mouth were turned up in a mockery of a smile. When her back was turned to the crowd, the blush of pleasure became much more apparent.

Kotomine had a different strategy. I noticed when I went to the back with him to procure more goods to sell. As we were taking boxes down from the shelves, one of the seals opened with a tearing noise, and an incredibly pungent odor filled the room. My eyes began watering, and it was as though I could already taste the spiciness.

"Father," I said, "what is this stuff?"

Kotomine closed his eyes and smiled widely, whether through pride or joy I could not tell. "That box will not be joining the others. It was a failed experiment for adding an ingredient to my cookies."

"What kind of ingredient?" I asked as I tried to wipe my eyes.

He laughed slowly and spread his arms wide. "Habanero seeds, shredded and mixed into the batter."

"And you were never able to perfect it, right?" I asked hopefully.

I got the worse response possible. "By all means, no. I have created the perfect ratio. Even now, one out of every ten of my products is laced with the formula that I spend days in a darkened room creating."

"Father, you sound like a mad scientist," I said in an exasperated voice.

He hummed quietly as we left the church and returned to the tables, not denying anything. As I took my place on top of the wooden box near my table, I eyed Kotomine. His products were carefully lined up, and he sold a ton. The crowd was massive by now (probably my A rank luck) and they were buying from everyone. Even Lancer had costumers. I couldn't help but wonder though how many of Kotomine's "land mines" had been distributed.

"What an adorable little boy!" shouted a young woman across the table. I looked her over. She was tall, not as tall as Kotomine but close, with long hair of crimson that nearly reached her ankles. Her face was tinged with a heavy blush as she stared at me, and suddenly I was filled with a childlike fear of strangers.

"Hello," I said quietly. "What's your name?"

She began panting. "Aoko, but you can just call me Sis. Say, do you want to go take a bath? Maybe buy clothes?"

What kind of crazy pervert was this woman? Before I could even back away, she grabbed me off the crate and pulled me over the table. There, my face was smothered under her ample chest. For most people, this would be a blessing, I'm sure. However, it soon became difficult to breathe, and my protests were muffled.

"I'll take that as a yes," she said.

Then she took me away with her. I'll be honest, I was terrified at first, but she turned out to be a really nice lady, even if she was a perverted shotacon. And yes, I managed to avoid the worst possible outcome, so don't ask. In fact, get your minds out of the gutter. In any case, there isn't much more to tell. I'm already contemplating the horror that I'll speak of next. That, however, is a story for another time.

* * *

Author's note: It's been a while since I've posted a chapter, mainly because I didn't like this chapter much when I wrote it. I still don't like it much in fact, and I think its very sub par compared to some of my other work. Tell me what you think of it, if its good, bad or whatever. If you don't like it, tell me why. I certainly couldn't figure out why it was bad. I promise you though, next chapter is something to look forward to. It's going to be legendary.

PS: Those of you reading Fate/EMIYA can expect a chapter in the next couple of days. No earlier than tomorrow night though.


	10. Dating

Gilgamesh Tries his Hand at Dating

It has taken me weeks to get into the mindset that would allow me to write this, and still the embarrassment causes my hands to shake as I work. So mongrels, you're in luck, because this story will knock your proverbial socks off.

* * *

That day had arrived, and Kotomine was in a state of bliss. It was Friday evening, so there weren't any church services he needed to attend to. All his efforts could be focused on ruining my night, and Caren's. He had made sure to set up a reservation for the two of us at a nice steakhouse in the middle of town. I had never gone before, but from what I've heard, it was the very definition of quality. I was actually kind of looking forward to it. Kotomine may be a sadist, but at least I'd eat well.

As for the girl, she had locked herself in her room. I had not seen hide or hair of her all day, and it irked me. She was the insufferable one! Why should she not want to go on a date with me? The very thought set my blood to a boil. When I was King of Uruk in the distant past, I like to think that I was loved by the women. Sure, sometimes our relations could be considered at the edge of consensual, but in my opinion, "no, no, no, yes" means yes. At the end of a night with King Gilgamesh, no one regretted it. Well, Enkidu argued that the women thought differently, but that's another story.

So, wearing my best dress clothes (and my fur jacket; screw you if you don't like it), I waited in the foyer of the Church for my _dear_ date. Kotomine was absent. Either he was trying to convince her to come out, or that gleeful sadist was out setting up surveillance cameras to watch like the God he pretended to believe in. At this point, I wasn't sure what was worse.

Finally, Caren came out, walking past the altar with short, embarrassed steps that were not like her at all. She was wearing a dress of white that clung to her body like her cold personality. It was strapless, with matching gloves and a skirt that ended just above her ankles. Her hair was done up and her face made up, and for just a moment, I was surprised that I found myself attracted to the cold hearted bitch. Her steps faltered as she saw me leaning against the church door. My face was fixed into an expression of forced disinterest, though I knew it was futile. She of all people could see right through it. She clasped her hands together above her navel and stepped forward.

"It seems we must go through with this," she said in her characteristic monotone. I could tell it was a bit manufactured today, but what emotion lay underneath, I knew not.

"Blame your father for that," I said, "It was never my intention in the first place."

"He will have his way," she replied. "I admit, if I were watching you with another woman you disliked, I would probably find it entertaining as well."

I was then gripped with some emotion that I could not describe. Perhaps it was a simple wish to spite Kotomine, or maybe it was a hidden affection for the white haired girl that stood before me. If it was the latter, this affection must certainly have been quite buried, and it was situational at best.

I leaned forward and smiled a bit. "We should enjoy ourselves at least," I said. "Let your father watch us have a good time."

She smiled slightly. "I could only dream of that satisfaction. Being in your presence brings about revulsion of vomit-inducing proportions."

I clenched my teeth and tightened my right hand into a fist so hard my nails nearly broke the skin. "You do not make yourself easy to tolerate."

"No," she said, "but you aren't in a position to do otherwise. Like me or not, my father and I keep you here out of the kindness of our hearts."

I didn't deign to bring up the fact that their hearts were as void and empty as the deserts far from the Tigris and Euphrates. It was easy to tell that silence was the best course of action. I did not even flinch when Caren took my arm as we left the Church. I knew it was coming. Her accursed father was watching, so we had to play the part of a wealthy couple.

As our shoes clattered down the steps of the Church, Caren half turned her head to me and asked, "How are we to get to this restaurant. I do not know the way."

I made a snort of amusement and raised my hand with a flourish. Golden radiance coalesced before us and turned solid. A solid bulk formed in the middle of the courtyard, and wings of various colors reached out, nearly scraping the hedges that lined the perimeter. My craft, the prototype of a great Vimana of ancient India, had arrived in this reality.

"Is that not a bit conspicuous?" asked Caren as I leapt aboard. I didn't answer as he helped her up. Then she noticed that there was a single seat. "Where am I to sit?" she asked.

I took three steps across the golden surface and took my place on the aircraft's red padded throne, and gently patted my lap. "You may sit here."

As her face tried to hide her annoyance, I may have realized why she and Kotomine enjoy bothering people so much. She didn't have a chance to protest as the Vimana launched into the air, straight up from its landing position. The golden dart flashed across the sky towards the town proper, a trip that took less than four minutes. Even though we were perfectly safe, Caren actually clung to my chest during the flight, an act I found oddly endearing.

As we approached our destination, the Vimana dove towards the earth, stopping mere feet from the pavement, and terrifying a group of the mongrels that dwelled within this twist of concrete and metal that they call a city. I stepped off, followed by a shaken Caren, and my Vimana vanished back into my treasury with a shower of golden glitter.

"This is the place?" asked Caren.

"Your father showed me a few days ago," I said, looking at the unpronounceable name that the restaurants sign bore. The establishment was tucked into the back of a shopping center in the middle of town, almost hidden behind other stores, yet the sign and doorway told of an obvious amount of taste and class. The sign hung from an elaborate iron bar, marked with the design of a cherub and wreath of ivy.

Caren nodded to me and took my arm once more, and I opened the door. The dining room inside was dark, lit only by candles placed on tables with a delicately embroidered cloth. The room was half empty, and nearly every piece of furniture was made of fine wood, or at least a good fake. The aroma that filled the air was nice, and did nothing to make me believe the food was anything but high quality. I was impressed, nearly to the point where my predicament didn't anger me. Why did I not hear of this place sooner?

I smiled brightly as Caren and I were led to a quiet table in the middle of the restaurant, and my smile continued long into the evening. The wine was wonderful, and the food exquisite. Even Caren seemed to be enjoying herself, and she and I even chatted for a few minutes late into the meal. Perhaps Kotomine was screaming in anguish. Our date seemed nearly legitimate.

Then I heard something.

"Where did you find this place, Saber? The food is wonderful!"

I nearly spat my wine all across Caren. Very slowly, I turned to look at a booth near the back of the restaurant. There, nearly hidden from sight, sat the Emiya boy with my Queen. In my daze, I had overlooked them entirely, and only now did I realize their presence. They looked so happy. Saber smiled at him with obvious affection and he seemed to return it, even without the haze of alcohol to lower his inhibitions.

"I have had a few people recommend it, Shirou," she replied.

I saw how familiar she was with him, and he with her. Why did she refer to him by his name, when did not speak to me at all? What nonsense was this? I gritted my teeth so hard I thought they would shatter. What made that mongrel so good? Why was he worthy of her and not I?

"We should come back here more often, maybe bring Fuji-nee," said Shirou.

Ah, I had nearly forgotten. They live together. Thank you, Emiya! Thank you so much for reminding me. Was this the torture Kotomine had planned for me? Could he have actually planned something like this? It seemed too complicated, even for him. There were far too many variables. Still, this pissed me off enough. There was no way this could get any worse.

"I love you, Shirou," Saber said happily.

That was it. I could not take it anymore. My fury had retreated to a tranquility that disturbed even Caren. She had watched my anger mounting and could see that it had reached its peak. With careful hands, I lifted the plate on which my half eaten steak lay, and flung it directly at the Emiya boy's head with a snarl.

"Rho Aias!" came a shout another corner of the restaurant. My plate shattered in mid air, and the steak fell to the floor. My impromptu projective had been stopped by a shield of violet, shaped like a flower. From a darkened corner, Emiya's older self, the 5th Archer stood with an outstretched arm. In a seat behind him was the young Tohsaka girl, dressed up for a night on the town, and EMIYA himself wore a fine suit.

"Faker!" I shouted as I stood. Caren's plate became my new weapon, even as she reached out to stop me. I threw it at Archer this time. After using his shield once, he wouldn't be able to raise it again so soon. Again I underestimated him, and that damnable man simple swayed out of the plate's path, where it crashed on the back wall.

To my right, Saber and the boy were glaring at me, and Archer stood at the ready. None of them had drawn any weapons, but it was a standoff nonetheless. I snarled and snapped my fingers. A golden light filled the air behind me, and my opponents tensed, preparing for the barrage of weapons to come. But instead of blades, I launched my Treasury's stockpile of food. The prototypes of every famous dish in the world darted through the air towards Archer and the Emiya boy. I smirked with satisfaction as Archer was struck in the face by the prototype of mapo tofu. That bastard deserved it, more than anyone else.

The redheaded boy ducked and dodged my projectiles, and then said something I did not expect.

_I am the bone of my skillet._

What the hell was that supposed to mean?

_Meat is my body, and oil is my blood._

That made sense, and didn't. All at the same time.

_I have created, over ten thousand meals._

I realized this must be the incantation to a spell, and I turned my assault on the boy. Suddenly, my projectiles were speared to the wall to my right. As fast as I was launching them, Archer was deflecting them!

_Unknown to saturated fat, nor known to bad taste._

Damn them! I couldn't do anything to stop him, and no one in the restaurant was willing to interfere.

_Have withstood malnutrition to create many dishes._

_ Yet those hands will never cease their endless task._

"Bastard!" I shouted.

_So as I serve, Unlimited Cooking Works._

The world turned to fire, and I recoiled as a wave of smoke engulfed us. Then I looked around at our changed scenery. The restaurant was gone. Instead, we looked to be in the inside of an oven. Lights were far above us in a smoky haze, and the heat was intense. The ground seemed to be made of a bread-like material, perhaps the beginnings of a cake, and all around us, giant eating utensils stretched into the sky, along with assorted pots and pans.

Caren looked around in wonder, as did Archer and the others. I will admit that it was a bit surprising. Was this boy's origin food or something? He stood about fifty yards away from me with a serious expression on his face.

"King of Heroes," he said, "This power of mine brings my skills in the kitchen to the fore. Every tool and ingredient I need can be summoned in an instant."

As he said this, utensils and various food products began rising out of the squishy brown earth, mixing together like a ghostly kitchen to form dishes before my very eyes.

"What do you think you're doing boy? Do you think your mindless imitations come even close to the masterpieces in my treasury?"

He smiled. "We'll see. Recipes evolve, becoming more elaborate with every chef to create it. They add their own mixes, and make adjustments, creating a cooking evolution. Why can't my creations surpass yours? King of Heroes! Do you have enough meals in stock?!"

Suddenly, the food that hung in the air around him flew towards me in greater numbers than I had expected. This would be a battle for the ages.

* * *

I sighed. It was over. The restaurant had to be shut down for a week so a cleaning crew could take care of it. Archer and the others actually had the nerve to make me pay for it! Not that I refused, a King does need to take responsibility for his actions on occasion. I also left a massive tip for the waitress, but I'm sure she didn't care. She'd be out of work for a while.

So, Caren and I trudged home. Our clothes were filthy, covered in the remains of the great battle. Caren's dress was soaked brown with beef broth, and my suit and jacket were sticky with Nergal knows what. She wouldn't speak to me. Perhaps our date had exceeded her low expectations; breaking through the bottom of the barrel as far as bad dates go. I accepted her silence though. Better she remain quiet than express her anger out loud.

Kotomine was nowhere to be found at the Church; perhaps he hid, fearing retribution. More likely though, he was hiding, intent on watching us further. So, I claimed my one victory for the night, and went to bed without saying a word to Caren. I can at least deprive that priest of one least pleasure.

* * *

Author's Note: I had intense writer's block as I worked on this, so it took me a while to get it out. I certainly hope you guys enjoy the finished product as much as I do. Starting next chapter, I return to using suggestions given by the readers, so go nuts. Since I'm at college now, it'll take longer, but that means I'll have more time to look at your suggestions.


	11. Babysitting (Part 1)

Gilgamesh Tries his Hand at Babysitting (part 1)

I honestly should have seen it coming. I woke up that Sunday at around 11 PM. The sun was launching its final attack on my curtains, and at any moment it would be directly in my eyes. Too bad for it. I claimed a small victory by climbing from bed myself. No ball of burning hydrogen can order ME around!

In any case, I quickly got dressed and left my room, breathing in the fresh morning air. The scents of Caren's cooking were absent, confusing me until I remembered that it was Sunday. Occasionally, after his sermons, Kotomine enjoys cooking a brunch himself for the four of us. Lancer's room was empty, so it seemed like it was just going to be three today. I paused and stared into his room as I passed. Posters of various anime plastered the wall, and a hug pillow lay on the bed at the other end of the room. I squinted through the darkness, barely making out the image of Bazett emblazoned on the side of the pillow, her suit unbuttoned with a deep blush on her face. How shameless! I thought. That dog couldn't contain his lust for that woman.

I shut the door as I passed. No one else needed to see that. Besides, my room was practically as bad. I had an abundance of two things, pictures of Saber, and figures of Saber (courtesy of Caster, that witch). Caren and Kotomine know, but they don't make fun of me as often as you'd think.

As I had suspected, the kitchen was empty. The pots that were usually simmering on the stove were elsewhere, and it seemed that I'd be condemned to eat Kotomine's damned brunch. I sighed and walked towards the sanctuary, where the sounds of his exiting congregation were diminishing. I reached the door that would open to the back of the sanctuary, to the left of the altar. With my hand on the knob, I waited until I couldn't hear any more old people before opening the door.

The sanctuary was naturally the largest part of the building. The wide expanse created interesting acoustics. Even small footsteps echoed amazingly loud due to the high peaked ceiling. I would have taken it for my own room years ago if it weren't for Caren. She wouldn't have that at all. She is of course, much more pious than her father, who only plays the part of a priest. That said, him playing the part of a priest does a lot to annoy me, so he might as well be a priest.

Right now, Kotomine and Caren watched the last of the congregation file out the double doors. They stood next to the altar, side by side with their hands clasped in prayer. Even as I walked up to them, neither stirred from their poses. It was only after I cleared my throat that Kotomine even opened his eyes. Caren's remained closed for a bit longer. When they opened, they were glaring at me.

"W-what did I do you stupid girl?" I protested. There was no reason for her to be mad at me this early in the morning.

"Sloth is a sin, Gilgamesh," she replied with her characteristic monotone. Honestly, I wish she would actually _sound_ mad for once. "You should get up for once and help us with the service."

I smirked at her. "Girl, isn't it blasphemous for a divine being to help people worship your god? Does that not evoke some sort of Faustian idea?"

"Yes, indeed," she said. "You are certainly the snake."

"Beware," I laughed, "Or this snake will find its way into your Garden of Eden!"

I couldn't believe I just said that. Apparently though, neither could she, because seconds later her shoe hit me directly in the forehead. I was caught off guard, and it nearly knocked me off my feet. I blinked rapidly, rubbing my head.

"Whatthehell?" I blurted out as she recovered her footwear. "A shoe? What nonsense is this?"

"Divine retribution," she said. I turned to her father, but the older man simply smiled at us. This was his fault anyway. Even after the beach day, Caren and I were still at each other's throats. Well, more like I was normal and she was at my throat if I spoke to her. Seriously, I might as well hang around Saber. I actually would have less of a chance of dying.

"In any case," said Kotomine, "it is time we ate."

Yeah," I said as Kotomine walked across the altar. Set upon a small table was a box of dark wood trimmed with iron. It was the church's donation box. While it was supposed to be used to further missions and philanthropic work, this wasn't exactly an official church. "When does Caren start cooking?"

"She's not," said Kotomine as he opened the box and began stuffing bills into his jacket without a moment's pause. "I have ordered food for today."

What was this? I wondered. There was no way Kotomine would order food to be delivered without a reason. Caren could easily make us enough food to go around. I opened my mouth to ask Kotomine this very question when the sanctuary door opened again. Thus, I was left with my mouth wide open when a woman's voice echoed around the room.

"What's this about, you Fake Priest!?" Tohsaka Rin's voice utterly broke the relative peace that I was used to. That damned girl was insufferable! Kotomine should have stabbed her with her damned father. Waitwaitwait, never mind. She has really nice legs, so I'll let her live. She wasn't alone either. Behind her was a massed group of undesirables, people that I'd never expect to see together.

"Ara~! What a wonderful church! Isn't this place wonderful Soichirou?" Caster was here, wearing the clothes of a housewife. Beside her was the stoic Kuzuki, a veritable brick wall of a man.

"Yes," he replied. He was a man of few words obviously. Behind him came a trio that made my skin crawl. The Faker, his younger self, and the beastial Rider walked side by side, dressed in casual clothes. The one who surprised me the most was Rider. Her blindfold was missing, replaced with a pair of glasses that an amateur could tell were magical. Nevertheless, I didn't meet her gaze. It wasn't exactly hard either. I just stared directly at her ample chest. Wearing a sweater over those things was too good, even a monster like her could be considered attractive!

Finally, a pair of girls entered. Wearing sundresses, they walked happily hand in hand, though it looked more like a mother leading a child. Saber and the Einzbern homunculus followed the Emiya boy into the church. The little one happily skipped and hummed some sort of nonsense tune. Honestly why did they bring her? Saber was stunning, but it wasn't like I could say anything with that brat standing right there!

"Kotomine, what is the meaning of this?" I asked. "Why are all these mongrels here?"

Kotomine looked at me like I was an idiot (which I'm not), and said, "They are taking brunch with us. Is that unacceptable?"

Before I could say 'yes', he had already turned his back on me. He clapped his hands twice. "Come, we will eat out back."

Not many people come to the Church enough to know, but there is a sort of patio area. Occasionally Caren would set up a table out there and the three (or four if Lancer was around) would eat outside for the evening. As the group walked out of the sanctuary towards the small courtyard, I noted that the table had indeed been set up at some point this morning. Miraculously, there was enough space for all of us.

"A moment please," said Kotomine. Apparently, the food had arrived, and he left with Caren to go collect it. The others stared at me, as if I had some sort of authority in this place. While I was naturally a man of great authority, in this so-called House of God I was but a mongrel myself, at least to Caren and her father anyway.

"Did you have a hand in this, Goldie?" asked the Tohsaka girl. I barely caught what she was saying; as I was too busy alternating between staring at her legs and Saber's. She continued to tap her foot as I ignored her, but what was she going to do, sic her Servant on me? It's not like he killed me, ever. There's no way that would ever happen, even if I was at a massive disadvantage!

"No," I replied, "Kotomine surprised me as well, but I am not one to reject a gift when it is given."

"For once I agree with him," said the red Archer. "As long as we check the food for poison first."

As he said that, he cast a long glance at his younger self. Surely he wasn't planning on using him to test the food? After all, he probably wouldn't even eat until Saber gets her food. He's a generous boy, sometimes to absurd levels. A real man should take what he wants, and then give to others when he has had his fill.

"Poison?" said a deep voice from behind me. "The very thought is insulting."

Kotomine strode past me, a large box under each arm. Each seemed to be one of those containers that retained heat, allowed food to remain warm even after a long time. Caren followed him, carrying a third container. She struggled under the weight, and in a rare moment of compassion, I took it from her easily.

"Thank you, Archer," she said between deep breaths. She made sure the table was set properly and then directed everyone to their seats while Kotomine opened the boxes of food. He must have ordered from a western restaurant, as there wasn't a Japanese dish in sight. Honey roasted ham, bacon, fresh pastries; there were dozens of different things. Out of Caren's container came a jug of English tea, which she poured for everyone.

I watched as Caster reached into a bag, pulling out a computer and a webcam. She switched it on, and in a few seconds, the picture focused on Assassin, still at the Ryoudou temple gate.

"Look how much fun we're having Sasaki!" she said. "Don't you wish you were here?"

"Of course I do, you damned witch!" he replied angrily. "You're doing this to taunt me."

"Yes, that's correct," replied Caster. "You can watch us eat and if you're polite we'll bring you something back."

"Kotomine, where did you order this from?" asked the Emiya boy. His voice had an undertone of hostility. That was understandable though. There was absolutely no reason for him to trust Kotomine. Even I barely trusted him. How things had changed since the 4th War, when I was the one in control. Now I was simply the houseguest of that sadistic preacher.

"Come now, Emiya Shirou," replied Kotomine with a closed-eyed smile. "I cannot reveal all of my secrets. Enjoy the meal, but be sure to properly thank the Lord before eating."

What nonsense, I thought. There was no way I'd pray before eating. The gods of Sumeria weren't deserving of my praise, much less the God that Kotomine pretended to worship. Nevertheless, the others at the table actually acquiesced, offering silent prayers before eating. As they began to distribute food, I moved to sit, only to be stopped by Kotomine.

"What is this, Kirei!" I demanded. Was he going to stop me until I prayed? I watched as everyone but the two of us began to eat the food. It must have been good, because as they took the first bites, their pace increased. Even the normally proper Tohsaka girl and the calm Rider were eating food like starving beggars.

"Wait," said Kotomine with a wide smile. He palmed something into my hand and walked off. "Lancer should be here soon. I'll leave it to you."

What the hell did that mean? As he walked back into the church, presumably to head into town, I finally looked down at the item in my hand. A familiar empty vial stared at me. I knew it well, because I had dozens of them in my Treasury. It was one of my potions of youth. There could only be one explanation for what Kotomine had done, and it was happening right in front of me.

One by one, the people eating began to shrink to a child's stature. It started with Emiya and Tohsaka, with the larger ones being affected afterwards. Archer and Kuzuki were the last to revert. The stoic man's expression didn't change. He just hummed quietly as Caster turned to a child right before his eyes. Archer looked at me in a panic.

"What is the meaning of this?" He asked as his body began to shrink.

"I can't say," I replied. "This is Kotomine's doing."

Even Caren was a child now. It didn't even look like she'd noticed. The most surprising thing, I think, was that their clothes shrunk as well. Even that didn't happen when I used the potion.

So now, I looked upon a courtyard full of children. They milled about. Some, like Tohsaka and Caren, continued to eat. Archer and Sakura had reacted to their transformations. Archer's face was a mask of terror, and Sakura was crying her eyes out. The only one that looked puzzled however was Ilya.

"Goldie," she asked, "what happened to them?"

I cocked my head. "They were turned into children by a potion that Kotomine stole from me."

I was about to ask how it was that she was unaffected, until I finally realized. I chuckled a bit, and then began laughing out loud. "Hahaha! You're too much of a child to be affected! How humorous!"

She realized it just as I did, and began shouting me down. "That's not funny! That's not funny!"

It was funny actually. She huffed and puffed, almost as if she wanted to be turned into a child, but her already tiny body didn't allow it. Behind me, the door opened. I looked over my shoulder as Lancer walked in, dressed in his casual clothes.

"Oh, Gilgamesh," he said, "How it. . ."

He paused mid sentence, looking at the spectacle before him. As he watched the last vestiges of Archer's adult personality drop away, his jaw slowly fell. "What the hell is this?" he said.

"A farce of Kotomine's making," I replied as Lancer stepped up to my side. "It seems we will have to take care of this."

Lancer sighed, looking at the kindergarten class that had developed in front of us. "Yeah," he said. "It can't be helped."

One by one, the children assembled in front of us, with Ilya at the back holding the computer. Sasaki looked ecstatic. His Master turning into a child was probably the best thing to ever happen to him. The crowd stood no higher than our waists, staring up at the two of us with wide eyes. Beside the sobbing Sakura and docile Caster, Kuzuki remained as stoic as ever, his glasses still perched on his nose. Archer and Shirou glared at each other, their childish antagonism returning.

"Mr. Gilgamesh," said Tohsaka, tugging at my leg, "What do we do now?"

Now it was my turn to sigh. It was just like Kotomine to lay something like this on me. Honestly, this task was beneath me. But, I had no choice. In truth, I love kids, even if the kids are some of the people I despise the most in this world. Perhaps they'll be easier to tolerate like this. I silently waved for them to follow me, and Lancer and I ushered them into the Church. I'm sure we can find something to do while the potion wears off.

* * *

Author's Note: Its certainly been awhile hasn't it? Next chapter will not be a continuation of this one. It will be Gilgamesh Tries his Hand at a Halloween Party. You can bet it will come out on October 31st sometime. I will also announce the contest now. In that particular chapter, every character will be dressed as a character from some other anime. After you finish that chapter, give a review with your guesses as to who was dressed as who, with a request for a later chapter at the end. Whoever guesses the most will have their request fulfilled. A hint will be provided at the next of the next chapter, as well as a repetition of the rules. As for right now, toss me a review or a PM if you liked this chapter. I always enjoy hearing what you have to say.


	12. Halloween

**Keep an eye out for costumes you recognize. There is indeed a contest at the end.**

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Gilgamesh Tries his Hand at Halloween

October 31st is quite an interesting day at the Church on the hill. For a group of people that call themselves followers of the Christian God, the father and daughter that keep me confined here are certainly lenient enough to allow the celebration of that particular holiday. Ah, Halloween, how much I enjoy it. The ability to pretend to be something or someone completely different is certainly an activity that can appeal to many of the mongrels that inhabit this earth. In fact, many of you lowlifes are probably dressed like me. I will allow it, certainly. There is one condition however. If you dress as the King of Heroes, you damn well better act like him!

Wait, I'm getting off track. In any case, on this evening of October 31st, a certain café in town was hosting a Halloween party, and it seemed that everyone was invited. Despite my reservations, I had decided to attend. The mongrels that were sure to attend needed someone to look up too, and it was definitely not like I marked it on my calendar. At the same time, it seemed that Lancer had been told as well. A fun loving dog like him would never pass up this opportunity.

I returned to my room, where my costume awaited me. I had prepared for weeks to create this costume. I'm a firm believer of keeping in character when dressing up. Unfortunately, I'll easily admit that I'm not the best at pretending. To play it safe, the character I'm pretending to be is quite like me. That way I won't risk going out of character. I'll be number one, definitely. No one takes this stuff as seriously as I do!

As night began to fall, I put on my costume. First I donned a tight black shirt. Holy Erishkigal that thing was small. It contoured to every muscle on my body, and made it quite difficult to move. My pants, jacket and boots were all mustard yellow. It wasn't the greatest color, but altering a costume is a crime. The original version is always the best, innovation merely muddies the waters. Finally, I tied a yellow band around my forehead, pulling my hair behind it.

I smirked as I stepped up to the full length mirror at the back of my room. Oh yes, I looked good. I launched a series of poses, each more ridiculous than the last. The last had my body leaning in an S shape, standing only on my tiptoes. How does he make such fabulous poses with so little effort? Even I was sweating!

There was a knock on my door, and after stretching out my back I went to open it. I looked at the figure before me, and when I realized who it was, I stepped back in shock. Caren glanced up at me behind round glasses, absentmindedly chewing on a cigar. Her hair had been straightened dyed ever so slightly. The silver strands fell loosely down her back. She wore a dark businessman's suit with white gloves, but her cross hung around her neck as usual.

"W-what are you supposed to be?" I asked.

"Wouldn't you like to know," she replied. Her voice was even, but had a hint of underlying anger. It wasn't aimed at me (I hoped). Caren was probably taking the holiday seriously as well. "What are you?" she asked in turn.

I laughed. "Useless! Useless! Useless! I'll never tell you a thing, Caren!" Seriously, I would never explain it to her. She's probably make fun of me. Although, if I found her out I'd have the same type of leverage.

I stepped out of the room. Caren took her place at my side as we walked to the sanctuary. Inside, we found the other two occupants of this residence. Lancer sat on the altar, much to the distaste of Caren. If it wasn't for his hair, I never would have recognized him. He wore black armor, lined with leather straps and jagged edges. His right arm was plated in steel, clenched into a fist. One of his eyes was perpetually closed, and he had a horrible frown on his face. Leaning on the edge of the altar was a massive blade. It was about six feet long and a foot wide. The weapon wasn't sharp, but whether that was a product of its fakeness or a feature I did not know, but the weapon seemed to just be a massive slab of iron.

"Ah, you idiots are here at last," he said. He jumped from the altar, pulling his sword with him. Despite its apparent weight, he lifted it like it was nothing. "Let's go, there's drinking to be done."

I scowled. He wasn't trying to be in character at all. I followed him without breaking stride, allowing Kotomine and Caren to follow me. The priest's red overcoat matched well with his wide brimmed hat, and I smirked when I saw the dual pistols under the folds of the jacket.

"Did Caren force you into that outfit?" I asked as we opened the doors of the church. The night air was crisp, and I drew a deep breath as we began our walk down the hill.

Kotomine chuckled. "No," he said. "In fact it was my idea."

"It is just like my father to like such a despicable show," said Caren. "I suppose my father's voice did sound a bit like that abomination's, but there is no reason to watch that violent filth."

I smiled at that. "Indeed, his voice was a mass of evil. It is a good thing that your father is nothing like him."

I smiled and put my hands in my pockets, enjoying my sarcasm. Then I shuddered as a lit cigar pressed against my neck. I jumped nearly a foot and stumbled as I tried to knock it away. Evidently Caren didn't like my joke as much as I did.

"Vile girl!" I shouted. "What do you think you're doing?"

"My job," she replied. "I live to hunt monsters and heathens."

"Yes, yes," I said, waving my hand dismissively. I rubbed my neck, trying to relieve the pain, and jogged up to join Lancer. While he and I aren't on the best terms, we are mutual allies against Caren. Travelling with him is much safer than with her.

It only took a few more minutes of walking before we reached Café Ahnenerbe, the quaint little restaurant in the middle of town that seemed to pop up out of nowhere. Its entryway and sign was decorated with orange and black streamers, with a carved pumpkin sitting in the window. Evidently those strange cats that run the place were all in on the festivities.

Lancer sighed as he opened the door. "I hope there's alcohol," he said.

"I wouldn't bet against it dog," I replied. "No party is complete without drunkards roaming free. Just be sure not to annoy me in your inebriated state unless you wish to be impaled."

"That's a bit out of character for you," he said. "Your costume I mean."

I blinked as I realized he was right. "Eh, yes right! I suppose I'll have to drop a steamroller on you or something."

"That's better," replied Lancer. He walked in, ducking to keep his massive sword from striking the doorway, and I followed behind him. Who was he to lecture me about my character? I'm the champion of Halloween! No one can stand up to me!

The inside of the restaurant was darkened, lit only by the candles that rested inside carved pumpkins that were scattered across the room. The patterned faces cast eerie shadows across the inside of the café, initially obscuring the other occupants. As we stepped further inside, they became much clearer.

The former Master of Saber, Emiya Kiritsugu sat at a nearby table, lounging back and smoking a cigarette. He wore dark blue pants with a matching jacket, not unlike the one I wear when I go out running. Under the jacket was a light button down shirt. In the darkness I couldn't tell if it was white or yellow.

He looked up as he saw Kotomine. Then Kiritsugu extended his arm, miming a gunshot. "Bang," he said.

"I do not think a gunshot can kill a vampire," replied Kotomine. The red cloaked priest stood before his old enemy and smiled.

"It was a silver bullet," replied Kiritsugu.

"I doubt that," said Kotomine. The two began an infantile argument concerning whether or not Kiritsugu's fake bullet had in face been made of silver, an idiocy that I would listen to no longer.

"Ah, you've finally showed up Goldie!" said Ilya, the meat doll of the Einzbern family. She was with her mother, and they seemed to be wearing related costumes, but I did not recognize them. Behind them stood a pair of their red eyed maids. Neither of them were in costume. The younger meat puppet wore a white sundress and a wide brimmed straw hat. She had an unnatural smile plastered on her face. It wasn't a kind grin, but one created to hide her true emotions.

Her mother was . . . different. For a homunculus, Irisviel is not a bad looking woman. She is quite womanly, but today was not a normal day. How could a petite woman like her put on _that_ much muscle? She was probably stronger than me right now! Is this family insane? Is Halloween their life goal?

Anyway, Irisviel was positively ripped, wearing a white eyepatch and a dark tanktop. In her hands was an assault rifle. I didn't even want to ask how they got that into the country. With the weapon hanging from a strap around her neck, she hugged Ilya close.

"Stay close, Princess!" she squealed. "I'll take care of you!"

Ilya ignored her and continued to stare at me. "So Goldie," she said. "Who are you supposed to be?"

If I had a drink with me, I would have spit it out. "Mongrel! You don't recognize me? Don't you read good manga?"

Ilya huffed and crossed her arms. "I read plenty. I think that I would recognize a costume that bizarre."

"Heartless girl," I replied. "I'll have you know that I don't recognize you either."

She lost it. "Are you loco or something?" she screamed, using such a strange exclamation without pause. "I'm totally recognizable!"

"Yeah yeah!" I said with a dismissive wave. She was starting to bore me anyway.

Then I noticed a commotion in the back. Behind me, Kotomine and his old enemy were still arguing whether or not a silver bullet would actually kill a vampire. Doesn't Kotomine have experience in this sort of thing?

In the back of the restaurant, Archer and Emiya Shirou were facing off. It seems that even Halloween did not postpone their rivalry. They stood ten feet apart in an area cleared of tables. Both were in costume, but they didn't seem to be related to each other.

"I'll make you fall for me," said Archer in a dramatic voice. Even inside, a breeze made his long white kimono flutter. It covered only half of his chest, the other half left his muscular chest bare. As he spoke, he raised the sword in his right hand. It was a katana, long and translucent like glass. Wait, was that Hakutou Hari? When the hell did he get that sword? Could he even trace such a thing?

"So- so cool," whispered Shirou, before shaking his head. The red headed youth wore black pants and a white shirt that was half unbuttoned. His hair was spiked like some shonen manga hero. He clenched his right hand into a fist and began what some would consider a sermon.

"Archer," he began. "You spend every day complaining. You want to help people, but give up because you think you're doomed to fail. You take it out on yourself and on me. You never stop to consider that your actions are hurting people. It's time to face reality Archer! If you keep hiding in your own little reality, I'll shatter that illusion with this fist!"

I groaned. Do people actually enjoy things like that? Seriously, hearing someone lecture about morality is one of the most annoying things ever. Even Enkidu got on my nerves when he got started. I'm Gilgamesh, two thirds god. I'm far above any idea of morality that humans have. I turned away from the pair as they began to fight. I'll admit, the battle was great. If I were to write it down, it would take at least ten pages filled with jaw dropping suspense. Unfortunately, I didn't care about the Faker or his younger self, so there was no reason for me to watch. I had another goal.

"Saber," I announced. "What is the matter? Is this party so dull that you would sit in a corner while everyone else has fun?"

I stood before the blond haired girl. Unlike everyone else, she did not wear a costume. Her clothes were the ordinary blouse and skirt provided by her damned caretaker. She was sitting at a table in the back, happily eating a bowl of stew.

"Shirou asked me to come, so I did," she replied, staring at me with cold eyes.

"Why have you not worn a costume then? It's no fun to be the only one wearing ordinary clothes."

"I was never one to dress up," she replied between mouthfuls. Any other woman would seem slovenly, but my Saber was different. "A King should not hide behind extravagance or costume. When you stand with your banner behind your back, sword aloft, it is an announcement to the enemy. Here I am, come and face me. I am proud to live, I am proud to die."

Oh Saber, how little you know. I reached out to pat her on the head but my hand was knocked aside in an instant. Even while she is eating she's on guard. I tried twice more, and then retired after my third failure.

"Very well Saber," I said, "Enjoy your meal."

I laughed as I turned and waved farewell to her. I strode back across the room. Lancer had laid his weapon on the bar top, much to the displeasure of the owners. They were bickering back and forth, with Lancer insisting the sword was way too heavy to carry on his own. What a weak willed dog!

I turned my head as the front door opened once again. Three figures entered. First came Tohsaka Rin and the Master of Iskandar, the new Lord El-Melloi. The girl was in costume. In her white gloved hands was a bow of recurved wood. She wore a one piece dress, white with a pink vest. The entire bottom was frilled so extensively that the weaves of fabric reached her legs. There would be no panty shot from this girl. On her shoulder was a plush doll of a cat that had two pairs of ears and an entrancing smile. Creepy thing.

"I don't even know why you decided to dress up," said Waver. He sighed and put his hands back in the pockets of his red coat. "It's not even October 31st."

At that, everything inside the restaurant went silent. Saber stopped her eating. Kotomine and Kiritsugu paused in their argument just as Ilya opened up a case of firearms for them to use. In the back, Emiya Shirou followed through on a punch to Archer's cheek, sending him falling over a table. From his position on the ground, he stared at the entryway.

"What was that?" I asked, dumbfounded. What was he talking about?

Waver sighed and pulled at his long hair. "It's November 8th. The author got sick and had to postpone this chapter. He's just pretending its Halloween."

"That . . . doesn't make any sense," I said. More of this author talk!

"Boy! That doesn't matter!" shouted the third person to enter the café. Iskandar was shirtless, wearing only dark grey pants and black combat boots to show off his muscular torso. Oh dear. He swept up Waver and charged into the middle of the room. "November or October, we'll have fun either way!"

"As usual, I like the way you think," I said. "Shall I open up the Gate for some wine?"

"Nonsense!" exclaimed Rider with a laugh. He pointed back at the entryway, where a massive crate sat. Through the open top I could see necks of wine bottles. "That wine has been passed down in my family for generations! I only recently got access to it."

"Oh?" I asked. "Perhaps you think it can best that which lies in my Treasury?"

"We will soon find out, Archer," he said. Then he laughed and cracked open the wooden top of the crate, pulling out four bottles of wine with his meaty hands. Ah, perhaps it's ok to celebrate a little late. As Rider said, whether its November or October doesn't matter, as long as one is with friends. Of course, that implies that those I was with were my friends. Enkidu is my friend, but long dead. These others will have to work hard to be worthy of my good will. I smiled as Rider cracked open the bottles. Kotomine was looking at him with disapproval. Perhaps his sense of religious temperance was not as faked as I had once thought. Ah well, I suppose annoying him would be fun for today. I grabbed one of the bottles from Rider and brought it to my lips. I'd have to humble him again.

* * *

Author's Note: It is indeed November 8th instead of Halloween as I'd promised. As Waver Velvet was kind enough to say, I was very sick for the past week. Coupled with exams, it made for a rough time.

Now, lets get to the rules of the contest. As I said before, most of the characters in this chapter are in costume. Since its difficult to portray it 100% accurately, everybody also took Halloween really seriously. They're all in character, and many of them say catchphrases or have items important to them. If you think you can guess a large number of them, send me a PM. **ONLY PMs WILL BE ACCEPTED. **In your PM, please give a suggestion for the next chapter. The winner, being the one who guesses the most characters, will get his chapter done next. If the subject is a matter of expertise, I will research it. Those of you that do not wish to participate in the contest, please leave a question in a review. We're having a mailbag for chapter 14.


	13. Travel Delays

Gilgamesh Tries his Hand at Travel Delays

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Of all the things in this world, there should be nothing more fun than going on a trip. I took many in my life, with Enkidu and without. While each was arduous, the journey was just as rewarding as the conclusion, and all of them are fond memories.

"Yet another thing the modern world has corrupted," I said.

"What is the matter, Gilgamesh?" asked Kotomine. The priest stood behind me in the line for the airport security. The Fuyuki airport was bustling at this time of day. Families moved about, parents holding their children by the hands. The whole place was filled with the din of thousands of people. If I was being more generous, I would liken it to a beehive, but even that is too kind a description.

"Humanity has destroyed one of the greatest endeavors a man could undertake!" I exclaimed. "To travel the world with comrades is a great joy, yet we stand in line like it is an item to be bought in a store."

"We did pay for these tickets," said Caren behind her father.

"That is beside the point," I replied, glaring at the girl.

"Also," she continued, "going to a certain theme park in Tokyo is not exactly an adventure."

"You were the one that was so eager to go!" I said, pointing at the hat shaped like a pair of mouse ears on her head. She was getting enough looks before. Now half the line was staring at her.

"Why did you want to come then?" she asked, cocking her head just far enough to mock me but not too far to let the hat fall off.

I gritted my teeth as Kotomine spoke. "He did not," said the tall priest. "But I could not let him stay behind, for fear of what would happen to our precious church."

"Basically he didn't want me drinking the wine," I said. "How was I supposed to know that you use alcohol for your religious rituals."

Caren cleared her throat. "The sacrament of communion is hardly a 'ritual'. You make it sound pagan."

"Not listening," I said in a light tone. I stepped ahead, handing off my boarding pass to a blue haired ma. . .

"Lancer," I said. "Why are you working _here_ of all places?"

The Dog of Ireland looked at me with an exasperated expression on his face. "Just my luck running into you all."

I laughed at him. "So short on funds that you must scramble for such a job! How humorous!"

"Now isn't the time," he said. It was clear that he was too tired to argue, so I decided to let him off easy.

Past Lancer was the security checkpoint, a metal detector and some xrays machines for our bags. I carried nothing with me naturally. Why would I use an oxskin when my Treasury had everything I needed? I was surprised though when Lancer followed me.

"Can I help you dog?"

"Don't call me a dog," he said with a bit of anger, and then, "I'm also running security here."

"They must pay a Servant well," I mused.

"Minimum wage," he replied with a downcast face, though it only made me smile more. "If you could remove all metal from your body and put them through the xray, we can proceed."

"You do not expect me to let others _touch_ my jewelry, do you?" I asked. With a short snort of victory, I dematerialized the necklace and bracelets that I wore and stepped through the metal detector. In an instant my ears were assaulted with the blaring siren above my head, and Lancer sighed.

"I know you have more Goldie," he said. "And rematerializing them again after getting on the plane is cheating."

"I am the rules," I said quickly before sending my earrings back to the treasury. Yet when I tried again, the same siren went off.

"This is getting on my nerves," said Lancer with a dark expression on his doglike face. Caren and Kotomine were already waving at me, walking towards the gate with their bags in hand.

"Fine, fine," I said. I sent my ankle bracelets back to the Gate of Babylon as well and tried once more. Yet again with the siren!

"This is absolute nonsense," I said. "I've taken all my jewelry off! I swear it!"

"Look," said Lancer. He pointed at a door off to the side. "If you'll come in there we can straighten this all out without disturbing anyone else's trip."

"Why should I care about other people?" I asked as we walked towards the door. "Those mongrels should be honored to be held up by my massive amounts of jewelry."

* * *

Ten minutes later, Lancer and I exited the room. The spearman was shaking his head in annoyance. "Gilded boxers? Seriously?"

I crossed my arms and said, "How was I to know that they counted. You only said take off the metal, not things that were covered in metal!"

"WHY WOULD YOU EVEN WANT GILDED BOXERS!? THEY WOULD CHAFE!"

"There's no need to shout," I replied as I walked past him towards the gate where Kotomine and Caren were waiting.

"Wait!" shouted Lancer at my back. "You didn't even answer my question!"

"A mongrel like you isn't worthy of the answer!" I returned. As I returned to Kotomine, I rematerialized my golden boxer shorts, taking care to don them in such a way that they wouldn't chafe. A lesson for the kids. Golden underwear is awesome no matter how impractical it sounds. If you have the opportunity to wear some, I highly suggest it, not that any mongrel today could afford a complete set of golden anything.

"Ah, Gilgamesh you've returned," said Kotomine, looking up from his book on common pro-life argumentative strategies (an odd choice for reading, I admit). "It seems there is some trouble with our flight."

"What do you me-" I began before looking outside. On top of our plane was a black armored figure, wreathed in smoke. He was screaming something about a guy named Arthur. The plane lurched around, covered in dark red lines, and then flew up into the air at an impossible angle.

"Archer," said Caren. "Shouldn't you do something about that?"

"Stupid girl," I replied. "Though I would rather be home, this is my vacation as well. Find a vet to put down that rabid dog."

"What do we do now then?" she asked.

"A troubling question," said Kotomine. He already had a new book in his hand (_All the Worlds Evil, and You!_ If you were interested). "Gilgamesh, go see if you can get a ticket for a later flight."

"Why does it have to be me, Kotomine?" I asked.

The priest raised his right arm and said, "By the power of th-"

"Fine," I said before he could finish his sentence. I immediately turned and walked back towards the ticket counter, past Lancer working security. I reached the ticket counter after only a few more steps.

"The plane to Tokyo has departed," I said, not bothering to go about the details. "I will need three tickets for a later flight."

"Because of Berserker?" said Lancer, looking up from his place at the ticket counter. "The next flight isn't for a while though."

I did not respond. I was too busy staring at the Hawaiian shirted man in front of me. "Were you not just working security?" I asked after almost a minute of silence.

Lancer coughed once and said, "They're a bit understaffed."

I nodded, remembering his A-rank agility. No doubt it allowed him to deal with dozen of costumers a-NOPE. That would be ridiculous. "Lancer, there's no way you can cover every position at once."

"Yeah," he said, rubbing the back of his head. "Bazett and I are working the same shift. The only reason I'm moving around is so I can deal with you."

I smiled and nodded. "Of course! I naturally deserve the best service."

"I meant that I'm making sure you don't do anything bad," he said. "Do I need to remind you of the restaurant incident?"

"That boy had it coming, going out with Saber like that!" I said indignantly.

"I meant the one I was at," said Lancer. "What were you talking about?"

I coughed and shook my head, feigning ignorance. "In any case, I demand my ticket!"

"In any case," he said, mocking my tone, "There aren't any. The flight is booked."

"Oh really?" I said as my armor emerged out of thin air (and my hair stood up. I have never figured out why it does that). The Gate of Babylon opened behind me, and dozens of weapons pointed at the Blue Lancer in front of me.

Cu Chulainn smiled in a panic and pretended to type on the computer in front of him. "W-what do you know!" he said. "Three tickets!"

He passed me three sheets of notebook paper with "ticket" written on them in sharpie. "Enjoy your flight!"

I nodded with thin eyes and a cruel smile. "You are learning, dog."

He did not even have the sense to be angry as I walked back towards Kotomine.

"Wait," said Lancer from behind me, "Or you'll set it off again!"

"What?" I asked over my shoulder as I pushed my way through the security checkpoint. Then I was assaulted again by that dreadful siren, even louder this time.

Lancer jogged up behind me. "I told you, you need to remove all the metal on your body."

"Lancer," I said, shaking my head. "I already took off all my metal for you, you saw me do it in an exceedingly personal way. What metal could I possibly be wearing now?"

Lancer simply pointed at my chest, and I looked down to not only see my golden armor and all of my jewelry, but also a sword in my right hand. It was a wonder they didn't call the J.S.D.F. on me.

"Well," I said. "We can't have that." I turned and cut the metal detector in half, and then followed up by sending a sword through the xray, to the horror of the people in line behind me. I smiled and walked past the stuttering Lancer, my armor clanking in all of its glory. They could send the bill to the Church later, I had a plane to catch.

* * *

Author's Note: I wrote this in response to actual travel delays of my own. Gilgamesh's delays were both more interesting and easier to solve than my own it seems. Apologies for the lack of a chapter in recent months. I really only write this story when I feel like it, and my others have been taking up most of my time. I'm exhausted, so I didn't proofread this. Hopefully there aren't too many spelling and grammar mistakes. If there are, I'll catch them later.


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